“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

His symptoms were meant, in a way, now, in regard to you, to make you feel better, for by contrast you became the success and he the failure. That failure was also meant to take your mind away from what he believed you believed was your own failure as an artist.

With others and strangers coming here, the symptoms put you, he believed, in a position of prominence, obviously the head of the family, having to take care of the frail woman—to compensate for the fact that he was financially making more. In this regard the illness was almost a gesture of defiance against any who would put you down.

He would purposely choose occasions in which dancing, to begin with, was at least not the thing—when no one else was dancing, when an ordinary person might have inhibitions against it. The very challenge was made because it, the challenge, aroused him to action in a situation in which he felt your natural inhibitions would meet up against his denied spontaneity.

When you refused to dance, he interpreted this to mean that he was right: he could be spontaneous only as long as it was socially approved, did not hassle you, and when he did not stand out from the crowd.

His sudden desire to dance and the freedom came fairly quickly after you started going out again. You stopped immediately, avoiding the situation. Ruburt’s sudden desire to dance was also based upon desperation and defiance, which you recognized and reacted against.

He wanted to dance precisely because no one else was. Because you would stand out, because it was not the thing to do, and he felt and believed that those were precisely the reasons why you did not want him to do so.

He believed that you wanted sex, but that you were afraid of it, as he was, because of the possibility of pregnancy. Here the symptoms served also, and cut down the possibility of sexual activity.

He was afraid during the tour that you would feel put in second place, rather than as an artist being the star of your own show.

Then he felt that you were accusing him of being stupid, but without trying to come up with any solutions of your own. Then he felt completely alone, with a problem he feared he could not solve. He looked to your reaction after any spontaneous behavior, and he believed, now, that your reaction was negative.

Very simply, the dancing episodes serve as an example. It seemed to him that if he spontaneously felt happy about a book that you would remind him of less favorable aspects. On the other hand he was convinced of your deep loyalty and love, and knew that you did want him to succeed and use his abilities.

You each have strong drives toward secrecy. Your idea was to isolate yourself on a mountaintop, where the world could not get at you. His idea was an arrangement where he could not go out into the world.

Until now you both got enough out of the situation so that you did not seriously challenge it. It was meeting both of your needs.

You have, Joseph, your own invisible beliefs. In a way Ruburt was doing precisely what you would do on one level—not leaving the house, avoiding tours, simply working, cutting out all distractions, and again you approved—not of methods, but of everything else.

You envied the concentration. On the one hand you said “Good girl,” and on the other complained about the undesirable side effects. Ruburt was doing what you wanted to do, without the mountaintop. Only when the side effects became more and more obtrusive did either of you become frightened.

The idea of cutting down stimuli and concentrating on work was quite agreeable to both of you for some time, far beyond the time you think it was. (Pause.) You then had to do many of the chores, and go out into the world, in you must admit a small fashion, but Ruburt was afraid that otherwise you would retreat.

Only the physical effects frightened either of you for some time. Ruburt was afraid also you would retreat as he felt your father had. Therefore he put you in a position where retreat was impossible. To some extent you were afraid of the same thing.

Now all of this tonight is in response to one question, and would apply whether or not psychic work was involved. It is only lately that each of you have really become worried enough to want a real change.