“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

We are working with his beliefs. He felt that you would find tours, etc., highly disruptive. There would be endless decisions to be made. The symptoms cut the need for decisions in that area.

As mentioned today, he felt they served you, helped you save face in your family, and in society at large. You were not to be given the second place. Ruburt obviously needed you. Some of this did have to do with old ideas that you were angry at him for any success if you had not achieved your own—and more, that the success might take you on tours and further away from your own work, which would make you angrier at him.

At the same time you encouraged him to success, but he felt only to a certain point, for the fruits of the success you might find disruptive. In the family to which he has always been sensitive he believed his success put you down, particularly with your mother and Loren. (My younger brother.)

He would purposely choose occasions in which dancing, to begin with, was at least not the thing—when no one else was dancing, when an ordinary person might have inhibitions against it. The very challenge was made because it, the challenge, aroused him to action in a situation in which he felt your natural inhibitions would meet up against his denied spontaneity.

He wanted to dance precisely because no one else was. Because you would stand out, because it was not the thing to do, and he felt and believed that those were precisely the reasons why you did not want him to do so.

For some time he did not feel that you wanted him to get better, but only to keep the symptoms within bounds. Again, this is in reference to you, and not the whole picture. On one level he felt you were quite willing to have him do this, again, as long as he did not go too far.

Then he felt that you were accusing him of being stupid, but without trying to come up with any solutions of your own. Then he felt completely alone, with a problem he feared he could not solve. He looked to your reaction after any spontaneous behavior, and he believed, now, that your reaction was negative.

Very simply, the dancing episodes serve as an example. It seemed to him that if he spontaneously felt happy about a book that you would remind him of less favorable aspects. On the other hand he was convinced of your deep loyalty and love, and knew that you did want him to succeed and use his abilities.

He felt that you disapproved of class, of the spontaneity, and did not ever attend, while you were pleased with the money, and that if you attended you would be in second place. That is why when the two of you met as a unit, so to speak, with the Rochester group (last week) that he allowed himself greater freedom, and in that context he believed you approved. (The Seth III episode, etc.)

Only the physical effects frightened either of you for some time. Ruburt was afraid also you would retreat as he felt your father had. Therefore he put you in a position where retreat was impossible. To some extent you were afraid of the same thing.