“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

You expected too much when you moved here. You expected many things —a complete renewal, a reversal of certain circumstances in your life—a new relationship with your husband. You overidealized the situation ahead of time. You thought there was going to be a second honeymoon. You also thought that you would enjoy having your husband around all of the time. Because of previous conflicts, that can be resolved, you did not enjoy having him around all of the time as you supposed that you did. There were also conflicts of direction, as to who would “rule the roost”, and you resented his “taking over”, or what it seemed to you to be. You were used to managing the home alone. You thought that you would welcome his cooperation and aid, and because, now, of other conflicts with him, in the east, in this life, instead, you resented his help. You wanted to rule as you had in the past. You wanted the home to yourself.

([Mary:] “Yeah. I thought that he would be home and we could...uh... he’d have more time to farm, and we could work something out, but I was really relieved when he went to, had to go to work at night and I could read and study by myself.

You made a remark when you came in here this evening about not being dressed at noon. Now my first piece of homely advice is you should get up at a decent time and immediately dress, and “dress.” I do not mean a robe. This immediately lifts your own self-image, and prepares you for the day. It is a mental “set.”

In periods of depression you feel that your life, the main points, have passed, and that you have lost time—important time that you feel you cannot recover. All of these fears work together to cause the present difficulty. Now. There is no one who can change your life for you. But you can change it. And in that lies your hope and your salvation. And so you must begin to do so. You are now organizing your life about your hearing defect. In the main, you are forcing others again to relate to you in that regard. You mention it often. You bring it into the conversation. When I tell you now, “often,” it would not otherwise be noticed, for you also exaggerate the extent of the hearing loss. I did not say there was not a loss. I am saying you are exaggerating the loss that there is.

([Mary:] “This doesn’t mean a sleeping time?”)

(During break—I think this break—I told Jane and Rob of when I was very young—ten or eleven. My bedroom window was only about 15 feet away from my parents’ apt. house. The scandal at the time was the noisy and violent arguments of an Italian couple, Anna and Jimmy. If Anna didn`t boil Jimmy’s eggs just right, he’d curse her out, and she’d retaliate by throwing some of Mom’s dishes at him, both of them screaming. All thru my life I’ve thought “nice, civilized people” didn’t raise their voices, get angry enough so that it showed, or display any kind of outbursts. Jim, I believe, feels the same way [or did]. The very few times early in our marriage when I would lose my temper, he would absolutely infuriate me by saying softly, with a smirk, “Temper, temper!” and so I would clam up.)

I am simply pointing out certain characteristics. You carry grudges, and you have carried one, several, concerning your husband for some time. In the meantime, he has changed.

Since then, however, you began to “close down” and say: “I will listen no longer.” You must learn, therefore, to be more forgiving, both to yourself and others. There are also some conflicts of a quite natural type between you and your daughter Ruth, who also has strong organizational qualities and artistic abilities, as you have. Now, on some occasions, you resent her manner toward you. And you resent it bitterly. At the same time, you allow your own actions to bring out this manner from her. You know when you are doing it that this reaction will result, and you do it, regardless, In that particular dilemma, your husband is between.

Now, before your husband became more willing to communicate, before he made an effort, you had fallen into your own rut. You did not try to relate to him in any strong manner. You let the relationship stand at a surface level. For a long time this served you both. Then, however, when you moved a critical situation was set up, where you were thrown together. This immediately brought forth the conflicts that had been latent and largely left alone. He then tried to relate to you. He did try to make up for lost time,and he began to grow and to understand.

Every time you make a sincere effort—the two of you to communicate—then the situation will begin to improve.

You must be willing, however, to accept whatever comes of the communication. The first time it becomes unpleasant, you cannot, therefore, the next time say: “This time I will not hear”.

Now. To some extent you punish him for his past attitudes by not appearing as attractively as you could. You think: “It serves him right! What does he expect?” At the same time, you are afraid that if you do appear as attractively as you can, that you will be hurt again by him, and you are unwilling to take the chance.

(Note: In one of the breaks, I noticed two or three candles that were on Jane’s coffee table. I said I was glad that candles were “in,” because I loved to light them, and the few times I did so, at birthday parties or Christmas, Jim always got upset, mentioning the fire hazard—even when we had guests for dinner.)

Now, this is you interpretation, at a deep level, of such a remark. This confirms your feeling that you dare not display strong emotions with him, and you feel all the more rejected. When you light the candle, you are testing him to see how far he will go with you, and when he makes the fire remark, you take it as a rejection of the entire romantic self, and the romantic situation. At the same time, this denial wounds you, because you also suffer from it.

I want you to listen to this session well. I suggest, if you can, that you type it up, and also read it. And once a day, for some time. Now I will let you take a break.

Now you can indeed progress, and you have progressed in many ways since you began Ruburt’s class. And so has your husband. It has taken you some time to develop these habits with such persistence. And so you can change them, using that same persistence and determination.

Take your paints outside sometime. Think! How precious voices are! In your terms, they speak, and the sounds are gone and never recaptured. And who are you to say: “I will not listen, for this is trivial.” These sounds are magic. Be thankful for them. You will never again be the personality that you are at this moment. Whatever self you will be, in your terms, or you were, each of those selves are unique, as you are unique. When you hear him (Rob) speak, his words are the magical signatures of the psyche, materialized in certain ways within this moment as you understand a time, and precious and a joy to hear. And so are the words of every man and woman, and the sound of every bird and every raindrop—precious beyond recall. So do not close yourselves to those sounds, and be thankful for them.