“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(My face began to feel better, although I still had an occasional twinge. I thought this not surprising under the circumstance. At 8:45 Jane said she felt herself dissociating. She said we could have a regular session probably, but she waited to see what the best way to proceed would be. Then she began to speak at 8:50, in a very quiet voice. Eyes open often, etc.)

He always needed approval, desperately. I was often forced to structure my work along lines that would bring approval. (Pause.) He feared the psychic developments, though they were one of my most creative endeavors, because he was afraid they would bring scorn instead.

You must understand that for nearly 20 years he lived in an environment in which expression of dissent brought instant retaliation of the most frightening kind. Outright punishment—hair-pulling or cursing. Verbal humiliation was easiest to bear, but his mother would immediately show all kinds of extremely serious symptoms, for which Ruburt would be adamantly blamed.

His mother would pretend suicide just to punish him. He felt therefore that he caused your illness, that in a way you were punishing him for the frivolousness that made him suggest you leave a conventional background and your parents, and go with his father in Florida.

(And of course, this makes me think that our staying her at the Overseas Motel, in Marathon, is probably the poorest choice we—I—could have made. Our cottage here is within a hundred yards of the spot where we camped with Jane’s father in the late 1950’s. I would say now, without checking with Seth, that any thought of nostalgia we might have derived from returning here would have been better ignored. We will not come here again. Our stay hasn’t been too pleasant for a variety of reasons, including noisy neighbors, etc. We made one half-hearted attempt to get out a week ago, on our trip to Key West.)

(Additional thought re the notes just above: I suppose that if we enjoyed clear channels of communication between all parts of ourselves, we wouldn’t have returned to this spot—or if we had, no charges would be involved. I pulled in here after we had passed it; it was at the end of a day of driving, I was tired, and thought of the place. We hadn’t decided to come here while in Elmira, or on the way down. And if Jane had been aware of any negative influences here, if they exist, she would have prohibited our returning.... Perhaps our stay here did lead to this very important series of sessions, though; we are learning much from them.)

These seemingly small episodes were nevertheless important. Because in the beginning you emphasized discipline, he felt you did not think him capable of exerting it on his own; that while you were attracted to his spontaneity you feared it and his energy. He felt that you believed that, given a free hand, his habits would be too exuberant. He would have, or would keep, odd hours, no schedule, be messy.

After that he feared deeply that all adverse comment of his, or negative remarks, would make you worse. Your illness frightened him more than anything else since his life with his mother, because he could not allow you of all people to be ill because of him, as explained.

From that point on he kept any negative thoughts or criticisms to himself, and during that time he feared that you almost disliked him completely. The habits of repression took great root. Rather than hurt you he would put himself into harness. Once begun, these feelings attracted to them others from the past, so that I was appalled and finally had great difficulty.

He also interpreted your comments however as indications that, left alone, he would not behave with competence, that he was not able to cope, that he would not be able to learn through experience how to deal with editors, for example.

Part of that was because Ruburt was sensitive to your own negative feelings or fears, and picked these up. Basically he trusted both you and your work, as I have. The physical condition was also meant as a signal, saying “Look what is happening.” The body trying to speak out, where he would not.

It served that purpose, and as mentioned elsewhere it served as a symbolic statement as he put himself behind you. You used to say in a critical manner that he would not wait for you to open doors, and run ahead of you on the street. He took this to be a statement that he was running ahead of you, and to slow up.

(I would suppose the statement played a part in bringing this session about, since it posed questions dealt with in the session. I think though that this part of Jane’s personality would have spoken also, since the conscientious self had its say on February 17. Now that the conscientious and creative selves have spoken, probably Seth will speak next.

(February 24, 1972. Thoughts—after the 3 sessions here in Marathon, of February 16, 19, and 21, it finally dawns on me—I finally put the material in the sessions together—and realize that a more basic quality behind Jane’s symptoms is repression. The task then is to learn what causes this. A good question would be: “What am I so afraid of?” This is much simplified, of course.

(The tyranny results from “it” not being allowed to express itself in usual ways, I thought. Jane is perfectly able to work a daily quota of time without overseeing, just like anybody else, and to do all the other normal things people do, like take vacations, etc. If all parts of her being are allowed expression, I said, there would be no extreme reactions, as in the symptoms. Therefore we must learn what is being held back, what is seemingly so terrifying, that it dare not be faced.

(I took her reaction to speak of her faith in my leadership in this instance. In other instances, I told her this noon, I believe she lost faith in my leadership, as detailed so well in the three sessions held here. This would arouse all kinds of panic feelings, since she wouldn’t dare speak out—and so she, and “it”, would feel that she had to furnish strong guidelines for her own protection—keep her writing rather than take jobs, etc. The symptoms resulted. All of this, until just recently, on unconscious levels.

(Last night we went for a walk: Jane said she was disappointed in my reaction to her ability to walk a little better, and so was worse when she went to bed. I replied that I would rather she wouldn’t tie up her state of physical being with my reaction.

(I told Jane today that when a fear is expressed, it takes its natural place in the scheme of things and no longer grows unseen. Jane at first said during our talk that she must hate many things—but it seems that hate would only be a mask for fear— hence the suggestion that instead of asking herself what she hates, a more basic question is “What do I fear?”