“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

He always needed approval, desperately. I was often forced to structure my work along lines that would bring approval. (Pause.) He feared the psychic developments, though they were one of my most creative endeavors, because he was afraid they would bring scorn instead.

Sometimes his intellect has worked with me, sometimes not. I am far more resilient, pliable, flexible and daring then other elements of his personality, which are fear-ridden. Some of his attitudes have to do with his parents, in that he fears he could become like his father—undisciplined and slack, loose and amoral.

You did not communicate yourself too well. Because of his abilities he picked up your feelings all too clearly, but because of his fears he picked up your negative feelings. He was afraid you were not an artist after all. He knew you were not a Sunday painter, but he felt you were greatly repressed in your work, and that any breakthrough could only come when you focused upon it, your work, regardless of other consequences.

He therefore did not discuss any issues with you concerning his own discouragements or fears as they happened. He felt guilty enough because you were working. He did not want to lay extra burdens on you, but he came to resent everything that was provided by a job.

For many years, at least seven, he has been deeply concerned about your work, a repressive element in it, and the psychic freedom he felt you needed to release it. Because of the age difference he became very worried. Your best energies were going into your work, he felt, at the job, not into painting, and the very focus divided you. He felt it disloyal to recognize the repressive element in your work, and tried to pretend he did not see it.

(Jane and I are going to discuss this element in my work. I’m curious to know what she knows about it. I need all the help I can get, etc.

(9:37.) One of the best influences on him are the few pages in a book by a psychologist about the creative personality. He knows what they are. (The Essence Of Being, by Abraham Maslow.) They release him to a strong degree, but in the past there has been a bearing down afterward, a renewal of repressions, if he became frightened if the spontaneity has worked.

Part of that was because Ruburt was sensitive to your own negative feelings or fears, and picked these up. Basically he trusted both you and your work, as I have. The physical condition was also meant as a signal, saying “Look what is happening.” The body trying to speak out, where he would not.

(This morning Jane got quite angry at her conscientious and creative self. After the revealing session of February 19, she expects more dramatic improvements. This morning she found herself rebelling against what she considered to be the conscientious self’s domineering tactics—work before anything else—etc.

(I got the insight at noon that the conscientious self, or “it”, was so tyrannical because it is being constantly fed charged material, fears, that are steadily repressed. These come from her childhood, her religious upbringing, her own strong moralistic and literal nature, plus probably reincarnational data about which we know very little. Plus overidealizations about me and my work, etc.

(The tyranny results from “it” not being allowed to express itself in usual ways, I thought. Jane is perfectly able to work a daily quota of time without overseeing, just like anybody else, and to do all the other normal things people do, like take vacations, etc. If all parts of her being are allowed expression, I said, there would be no extreme reactions, as in the symptoms. Therefore we must learn what is being held back, what is seemingly so terrifying, that it dare not be faced.

(The two instances cited here actually represent good improvements on Jane’s part, in that she allowed me to learn what was involved. I think the continual repressions over the years have let the conscientious self grow out of proportion. I think also that the conscientious-self or “it” made a creative advance on February 19 when it stated its tactics were bringing about the very thing it did not want—Jane’s inability to work in freedom. My thought at the moment is that more expression on Jane’s part will free the conscientious-self to perform its own balanced role, and to actually retreat in doing so.

(I told Jane I think that if it is not fed a steady diet of repressed material—which it may not even want—the conscientious or creative self is perfectly capable of doing its job without excesses. There will be no fears of unrestrained sexuality, or not working creatively, of overidealization of me, or my work, etc. All of these ideas, I feel, evidently grow out of repressed, unexpressed fears that have built up over the years, and have been taken over, or dumped upon, the conscientious and/or creative self.

(My thinking at this time is that when we allow ourselves expression freely—painful as it may be at times—and live in ways that are in keeping with our natures and abilities, we will achieve that necessary and vital balance that automatically results in creative work, health, whatever material success we require, etc.