“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

You know that panic is behind such repression, and a misguided idea of self protection. Inhibiting thoughts inevitably inhibit body motion. For his own benefit and mine, two or three times a week he should sit down and write out his feelings, as he began to do last summer. All kinds of repressions will come to the surface.

(9:15.) He felt for some time that you were intrigued by the spontaneous parts of his personality, as long as they could be controlled, kept proper and in their place. This had to do with the love-making also. He tried then, because of his loyalty to you, to temper the percentages—to be more one way than the other. You had this effect because he did idealize you to such a degree. It was not a fault of yours.

From that point on he kept any negative thoughts or criticisms to himself, and during that time he feared that you almost disliked him completely. The habits of repression took great root. Rather than hurt you he would put himself into harness. Once begun, these feelings attracted to them others from the past, so that I was appalled and finally had great difficulty.

He felt his success put you in a poor light in your mother’s eyes, and the eyes of society. An impoverished artist as a husband he could take with great pride. Once the part-time job continued and kept continuing however, once you had a job steadily, then he felt that others compared you, not with other artists but with other ordinary men who had jobs. And there, under those conditions, you made poor showing.

He interpreted what you said at times to mean “You are ungrateful for my sacrifice,” but he did not think the sacrifice in those terms was necessary after the first years, and that such sacrifice could destroy your ability, your fine purpose.

(10:03. Jane was out quicker this time, etc.

(The tyranny results from “it” not being allowed to express itself in usual ways, I thought. Jane is perfectly able to work a daily quota of time without overseeing, just like anybody else, and to do all the other normal things people do, like take vacations, etc. If all parts of her being are allowed expression, I said, there would be no extreme reactions, as in the symptoms. Therefore we must learn what is being held back, what is seemingly so terrifying, that it dare not be faced.

(A small incident to illustrate: Yesterday morning at 8 AM, the tenant in the efficiency next door played the radio very loud outside our window for over an hour. We both were mad, and felt like yelling, etc. Later that morning I asked the man and his wife to not do that. They agreed. [This morning we slept undisturbed.] But when I came inside after speaking to them, Jane said, “I wouldn’t dare do that.” At the same time she was smiling, and very pleased that I’d spoken up. [I had decided to speak up regardless of the consequences, though.]

(This morning when she expressed resentment at her conscientious or creative self, Jane said it took her a long time to get mad—several days in this case—after the session of February 19, when the creative self spoke. This delayed reaction may be, partly, her very cautious way of allowing an adverse reaction to surface, and it may also simply reflect her nature.

(My thinking at this time is that when we allow ourselves expression freely—painful as it may be at times—and live in ways that are in keeping with our natures and abilities, we will achieve that necessary and vital balance that automatically results in creative work, health, whatever material success we require, etc.