“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Additional thought re the notes just above: I suppose that if we enjoyed clear channels of communication between all parts of ourselves, we wouldn’t have returned to this spot—or if we had, no charges would be involved. I pulled in here after we had passed it; it was at the end of a day of driving, I was tired, and thought of the place. We hadn’t decided to come here while in Elmira, or on the way down. And if Jane had been aware of any negative influences here, if they exist, she would have prohibited our returning.... Perhaps our stay here did lead to this very important series of sessions, though; we are learning much from them.)

After that he feared deeply that all adverse comment of his, or negative remarks, would make you worse. Your illness frightened him more than anything else since his life with his mother, because he could not allow you of all people to be ill because of him, as explained.

From that point on he kept any negative thoughts or criticisms to himself, and during that time he feared that you almost disliked him completely. The habits of repression took great root. Rather than hurt you he would put himself into harness. Once begun, these feelings attracted to them others from the past, so that I was appalled and finally had great difficulty.

He felt these feelings extremely disloyal. He felt your mother was silently accusing him of putting you in a poor light whenever he succeeded. He wanted you to state your position, and say “I am an artist” to her and to the world, but he deeply feared that you considered that attitude irresponsible, frivolous, not practical; and worse, that you felt it negated the sacrifice you made by keeping the job for so long. (Not so, etc.)

You did not communicate yourself too well. Because of his abilities he picked up your feelings all too clearly, but because of his fears he picked up your negative feelings. He was afraid you were not an artist after all. He knew you were not a Sunday painter, but he felt you were greatly repressed in your work, and that any breakthrough could only come when you focused upon it, your work, regardless of other consequences.

Part of that was because Ruburt was sensitive to your own negative feelings or fears, and picked these up. Basically he trusted both you and your work, as I have. The physical condition was also meant as a signal, saying “Look what is happening.” The body trying to speak out, where he would not.

(Then she wrote: Feeling I’ve been so afraid of my personal thoughts and feelings—thought they were so bad that I don’t know myself. Invite self now to be aware of them—all of them normally, be astonished at their power, beauty and variety. They aren’t all negative. And even those have a power that is good when released. Can be a new kind of creative joy—a discovery that will really release me creatively, psychologically and physically. Been afraid to know myself; distrusted so never allowed self to see how good I am.)