“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

He always needed approval, desperately. I was often forced to structure my work along lines that would bring approval. (Pause.) He feared the psychic developments, though they were one of my most creative endeavors, because he was afraid they would bring scorn instead.

Sometimes his intellect has worked with me, sometimes not. I am far more resilient, pliable, flexible and daring then other elements of his personality, which are fear-ridden. Some of his attitudes have to do with his parents, in that he fears he could become like his father—undisciplined and slack, loose and amoral.

I need freedom and agility of thought, where he tends to repress me unless I conform to definite ideas of good and wrong. I found the conscientious self then an uneasy partner, and a growing hindrance.

I often help, and have, by recharging him, as I did in all the creative developments to date. But then he must think “Is this good or is this bad? Am I being too free?” I can handle the early repressions. The habit of repression dropped its hold to a great degree when he met you. The situation of your illness brought it back, and from there it gained hold again.

You know that panic is behind such repression, and a misguided idea of self protection. Inhibiting thoughts inevitably inhibit body motion. For his own benefit and mine, two or three times a week he should sit down and write out his feelings, as he began to do last summer. All kinds of repressions will come to the surface.

You must understand that for nearly 20 years he lived in an environment in which expression of dissent brought instant retaliation of the most frightening kind. Outright punishment—hair-pulling or cursing. Verbal humiliation was easiest to bear, but his mother would immediately show all kinds of extremely serious symptoms, for which Ruburt would be adamantly blamed.

His mother would pretend suicide just to punish him. He felt therefore that he caused your illness, that in a way you were punishing him for the frivolousness that made him suggest you leave a conventional background and your parents, and go with his father in Florida.

When you became sick he thought “Aha, mother was right, I do destroy everyone I touch, and now I have made my husband sick.” There is a great division of energy, as there is in all creators, but in his case between the need for spontaneity and discipline, safety and freedom, and these are clearly seen in the body’s condition right now.

Quite unwittingly because of your own nature, you tilted the balance for a while. He picked up your ideas of discipline in the beginning, then latched upon them in his own way. He felt you did not trust his judgment, remembering what he thought of as key points in your life, when his judgment seemed wrong or when it was criticized.

These seemingly small episodes were nevertheless important. Because in the beginning you emphasized discipline, he felt you did not think him capable of exerting it on his own; that while you were attracted to his spontaneity you feared it and his energy. He felt that you believed that, given a free hand, his habits would be too exuberant. He would have, or would keep, odd hours, no schedule, be messy.

(9:15.) He felt for some time that you were intrigued by the spontaneous parts of his personality, as long as they could be controlled, kept proper and in their place. This had to do with the love-making also. He tried then, because of his loyalty to you, to temper the percentages—to be more one way than the other. You had this effect because he did idealize you to such a degree. It was not a fault of yours.

When you became ill then the repressive state reasserted itself. You follow me there: because of the mother situation it was not safe to speak of illness at all. He could not bear to be responsible for your condition.

After that he feared deeply that all adverse comment of his, or negative remarks, would make you worse. Your illness frightened him more than anything else since his life with his mother, because he could not allow you of all people to be ill because of him, as explained.

From that point on he kept any negative thoughts or criticisms to himself, and during that time he feared that you almost disliked him completely. The habits of repression took great root. Rather than hurt you he would put himself into harness. Once begun, these feelings attracted to them others from the past, so that I was appalled and finally had great difficulty.

He felt his success put you in a poor light in your mother’s eyes, and the eyes of society. An impoverished artist as a husband he could take with great pride. Once the part-time job continued and kept continuing however, once you had a job steadily, then he felt that others compared you, not with other artists but with other ordinary men who had jobs. And there, under those conditions, you made poor showing.

He felt these feelings extremely disloyal. He felt your mother was silently accusing him of putting you in a poor light whenever he succeeded. He wanted you to state your position, and say “I am an artist” to her and to the world, but he deeply feared that you considered that attitude irresponsible, frivolous, not practical; and worse, that you felt it negated the sacrifice you made by keeping the job for so long. (Not so, etc.)

For all of these reasons the habits of repression continued, for any critical comment could bring up the whole barrage. The slightest remark that you made that he did not agree with was the symbol for these inner deeper feelings. He dared not criticize you for anything, or even disagree in normal conversation, the charge was so great.

You did not communicate yourself too well. Because of his abilities he picked up your feelings all too clearly, but because of his fears he picked up your negative feelings. He was afraid you were not an artist after all. He knew you were not a Sunday painter, but he felt you were greatly repressed in your work, and that any breakthrough could only come when you focused upon it, your work, regardless of other consequences.

He interpreted what you said at times to mean “You are ungrateful for my sacrifice,” but he did not think the sacrifice in those terms was necessary after the first years, and that such sacrifice could destroy your ability, your fine purpose.

He therefore did not discuss any issues with you concerning his own discouragements or fears as they happened. He felt guilty enough because you were working. He did not want to lay extra burdens on you, but he came to resent everything that was provided by a job.

Though you have left the job, the habit of repression is still strong. I know this is a burden on you, but it is important that both of you understand the repression. In some ways he has made poor judgments—for example in dealing with editors. Part of this was caused by this need for approval.

He also interpreted your comments however as indications that, left alone, he would not behave with competence, that he was not able to cope, that he would not be able to learn through experience how to deal with editors, for example.

For many years, at least seven, he has been deeply concerned about your work, a repressive element in it, and the psychic freedom he felt you needed to release it. Because of the age difference he became very worried. Your best energies were going into your work, he felt, at the job, not into painting, and the very focus divided you. He felt it disloyal to recognize the repressive element in your work, and tried to pretend he did not see it.

(9:37.) One of the best influences on him are the few pages in a book by a psychologist about the creative personality. He knows what they are. (The Essence Of Being, by Abraham Maslow.) They release him to a strong degree, but in the past there has been a bearing down afterward, a renewal of repressions, if he became frightened if the spontaneity has worked.

With your help he can avoid the second reaction. You know what I mean.

The passages allow him to give me freedom, and also release the physical mechanism to some notable degree. If he does not repress any fears following the release, then improvements will continue. He did not realize this, so the information above will be of great help.

Part of that was because Ruburt was sensitive to your own negative feelings or fears, and picked these up. Basically he trusted both you and your work, as I have. The physical condition was also meant as a signal, saying “Look what is happening.” The body trying to speak out, where he would not.

It served that purpose, and as mentioned elsewhere it served as a symbolic statement as he put himself behind you. You used to say in a critical manner that he would not wait for you to open doors, and run ahead of you on the street. He took this to be a statement that he was running ahead of you, and to slow up.