“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

I often help, and have, by recharging him, as I did in all the creative developments to date. But then he must think “Is this good or is this bad? Am I being too free?” I can handle the early repressions. The habit of repression dropped its hold to a great degree when he met you. The situation of your illness brought it back, and from there it gained hold again.

You know that panic is behind such repression, and a misguided idea of self protection. Inhibiting thoughts inevitably inhibit body motion. For his own benefit and mine, two or three times a week he should sit down and write out his feelings, as he began to do last summer. All kinds of repressions will come to the surface.

You must understand that for nearly 20 years he lived in an environment in which expression of dissent brought instant retaliation of the most frightening kind. Outright punishment—hair-pulling or cursing. Verbal humiliation was easiest to bear, but his mother would immediately show all kinds of extremely serious symptoms, for which Ruburt would be adamantly blamed.

When you became sick he thought “Aha, mother was right, I do destroy everyone I touch, and now I have made my husband sick.” There is a great division of energy, as there is in all creators, but in his case between the need for spontaneity and discipline, safety and freedom, and these are clearly seen in the body’s condition right now.

(Additional thought re the notes just above: I suppose that if we enjoyed clear channels of communication between all parts of ourselves, we wouldn’t have returned to this spot—or if we had, no charges would be involved. I pulled in here after we had passed it; it was at the end of a day of driving, I was tired, and thought of the place. We hadn’t decided to come here while in Elmira, or on the way down. And if Jane had been aware of any negative influences here, if they exist, she would have prohibited our returning.... Perhaps our stay here did lead to this very important series of sessions, though; we are learning much from them.)

When you became ill then the repressive state reasserted itself. You follow me there: because of the mother situation it was not safe to speak of illness at all. He could not bear to be responsible for your condition.

After that he feared deeply that all adverse comment of his, or negative remarks, would make you worse. Your illness frightened him more than anything else since his life with his mother, because he could not allow you of all people to be ill because of him, as explained.

For all of these reasons the habits of repression continued, for any critical comment could bring up the whole barrage. The slightest remark that you made that he did not agree with was the symbol for these inner deeper feelings. He dared not criticize you for anything, or even disagree in normal conversation, the charge was so great.

You did not communicate yourself too well. Because of his abilities he picked up your feelings all too clearly, but because of his fears he picked up your negative feelings. He was afraid you were not an artist after all. He knew you were not a Sunday painter, but he felt you were greatly repressed in your work, and that any breakthrough could only come when you focused upon it, your work, regardless of other consequences.

(Jane and I are going to discuss this element in my work. I’m curious to know what she knows about it. I need all the help I can get, etc.

I am an ally because I can help express those repressions. I have the energy to do it creatively if I am not hampered. Read this together with the other statement. You are on the right track. Once repression is really faced as a problem it can be overcome, because all portions of Ruburt’s personality now realize the danger involved, and know that the pattern must be broken.

The very fact that all of this now comes into the open is most advantageous; though it has been mentioned before, the peculiar tie-ups have not been described this well or this adequately. Please read this carefully. You need not fear that you must watch every word, and so forth, as long as communication both ways is maintained. Your own habit of repression in the past helped reinforce Ruburt’s, so greater communication helps you both.

(The tyranny results from “it” not being allowed to express itself in usual ways, I thought. Jane is perfectly able to work a daily quota of time without overseeing, just like anybody else, and to do all the other normal things people do, like take vacations, etc. If all parts of her being are allowed expression, I said, there would be no extreme reactions, as in the symptoms. Therefore we must learn what is being held back, what is seemingly so terrifying, that it dare not be faced.

(I took her reaction to speak of her faith in my leadership in this instance. In other instances, I told her this noon, I believe she lost faith in my leadership, as detailed so well in the three sessions held here. This would arouse all kinds of panic feelings, since she wouldn’t dare speak out—and so she, and “it”, would feel that she had to furnish strong guidelines for her own protection—keep her writing rather than take jobs, etc. The symptoms resulted. All of this, until just recently, on unconscious levels.

(I told Jane I think that if it is not fed a steady diet of repressed material—which it may not even want—the conscientious or creative self is perfectly capable of doing its job without excesses. There will be no fears of unrestrained sexuality, or not working creatively, of overidealization of me, or my work, etc. All of these ideas, I feel, evidently grow out of repressed, unexpressed fears that have built up over the years, and have been taken over, or dumped upon, the conscientious and/or creative self.

(Then she wrote: Feeling I’ve been so afraid of my personal thoughts and feelings—thought they were so bad that I don’t know myself. Invite self now to be aware of them—all of them normally, be astonished at their power, beauty and variety. They aren’t all negative. And even those have a power that is good when released. Can be a new kind of creative joy—a discovery that will really release me creatively, psychologically and physically. Been afraid to know myself; distrusted so never allowed self to see how good I am.)