“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Just as we had talked at the end of the session on January 19, we talked for hours before tonight’s session. First we took answers from my pendulum. I had always thought that method very reliable—and so it was once more. Amazing, the beliefs that seemed so obvious, yet so persistent!

First of all, Ruburt idealized you, as you know, in the early days of your marriage and courtship. The poetry to you clearly shows that he did not regard you in the same light as ordinary men. He did feel to some extent after your move to Elmira that you withheld leadership. This was twice the crushing blow because he overidealized you to such a degree to begin with.

I told you some of this was review, but pertinent. He felt that when he had initiated action in the past that it had not worked, and he was then afraid of initiating new action, so he kept waiting for you to do so. This mainly involved the idea of leaving your job, particularly as money accumulated in the bank.

None of this was spoken, and he felt it disloyal. He felt that you would interpret any such feelings on his part as aspersions against your manhood. He was finally driven to voice some of these attitudes as the years passed; particularly after your 50th birthday and his 40th, he became literally panic-stricken, yet you did nothing, to his way of thinking.

(I explained to Jane that I’ve never felt any aspersions against my manhood; that has never been a problem with me. As far as the idea of doing nothing, I explained to her that I thought saving money would enable us to get our own living quarters eventually, and thus solve some long-range problems. As soon as I realized that she was rebelling against a way of life that we had fallen into, probably mainly at my unwitting behest, I tried to make amends by leaving the job, etc. I would say the realization became conscious late last year; I kept the job until we finished checking the script for Seth Speaks, by the end of January.

Success to him now would automatically put you in a poor light in his eyes. There was the struggle to succeed and not to succeed. He felt you were not putting yourself to the test, that you were holding back while he was putting himself to the test, and often not doing too well.

The fact that you would say “I am giving you the opportunity to do this by my job” entrapped him further, for he felt basically that underneath this was another reason: that if you wanted badly enough to paint all the time that you would do so, that you should have done so, that you should do so, that you would and could have managed without jobs, particularly in the later years, and that you were betraying yourself and therefore him. He did not feel this was his responsibility. It was a reversal of the leadership for him to tell you what to do.

As his own early youth vanished and nothing was done, he grew more frightened. He saw your lives blurring into those lived by others, the fine lines of purpose finally becoming dulled.

The psychic work was quite all right as long as it added to or blended with your own creative endeavors.

Because of the situation, of course, it was even more difficult than usual for you to give it. This in itself aggravated those old fears concerning sex and the body—that it would lead him astray. If you did not—I am using his terms now—flirt with him and play with him in those terms, he was afraid he would look for that assurance in other men’s eyes.

Since you did not do so on your own, he was afraid that this meant that you did not want to. He would be forcing you into a position that you were avoiding with all your might, regardless of what you said. He felt forced into a corner, with life slipping away.

He wanted to shout your decision (to leave Artistic) to the skies of course, and thought he was quite reasonable by saying nothing for a while, at your request; yet secretly he thought that your attitude of silence meant that you were not proud of the decision, did not want it known, that you were acting ashamed of it and wanted it kept quiet, rather than as a triumph.

(8:47. My hand was tired. At break I did some ranting and raving to some degree. Jane said she didn’t want to continue the session if it made me feel that way, but I answered that I did want the session continued, etc. Resume at 9:00.)

Now. It is precisely because Ruburt places such high value on your work and ability that he was so concerned. Had you stopped painting, you see, the dilemma in a way would not have existed. He felt you were denying yourself the one thing you wanted out of life above all others.

He was angry at your mother for whatever ideas she gave you that prevented the full use of your abilities. One of the things Ruburt resents most about your mother is her lack of understanding of the nature of your artistic abilities. Ruburt considered your mother an enemy in that regard.

Now. With each book that Ruburt produced, he felt guiltier that you were still at the job. He was afraid that both of you would become too timid as time went on to make the move that he felt you must make, and that the necessary opportunity would slip through you fingers.

Now. A separate point, returning now to a discussion of fears. Before you left for your trip I told you of some of Ruburt’s negative projections, and advised you both to discuss them. I remember the night well. You had a snack and went to bed, and that was that. And I spoke in stern terms.

Because you made the decision to leave does not mean that automatically the negative thought patterns are relieved. When Ruburt had fears about his physical abilities during the trip before the trip, they were not thoroughly discussed, barely mentioned. Together you should have seen that under the circumstances they were “natural extensions” (in quotes) of past habit. Some of them ordinary-enough concerns that anyone would have embarking upon a trip, about money, etc. hardly dire, and easily dealt with if aired; but he was ashamed of them. They were negative and to be hidden.

Earlier however he would not have so bared himself under any circumstances. He purposely put himself in a position where the physical was stressed. This was an advance. It also meant however that you should have both honestly faced the feelings aroused. Instead he tried to hide them.

(I had noticed of course when Jane began to wear brief garments here, but I assumed she had simply decided to do so, and so I considered it a distinct advance. It completely escaped me that she was hiding feelings about revealing herself. Questioning her before writing these notes, I learned that she had indeed covered up feelings of inadequacy, crying, etc., regarding her appearance as compared with others.)