“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

I told you some of this was review, but pertinent. He felt that when he had initiated action in the past that it had not worked, and he was then afraid of initiating new action, so he kept waiting for you to do so. This mainly involved the idea of leaving your job, particularly as money accumulated in the bank.

(I explained to Jane that I’ve never felt any aspersions against my manhood; that has never been a problem with me. As far as the idea of doing nothing, I explained to her that I thought saving money would enable us to get our own living quarters eventually, and thus solve some long-range problems. As soon as I realized that she was rebelling against a way of life that we had fallen into, probably mainly at my unwitting behest, I tried to make amends by leaving the job, etc. I would say the realization became conscious late last year; I kept the job until we finished checking the script for Seth Speaks, by the end of January.

He did not want to admit these feelings to you or himself. He felt also, in the past, that if he told you to leave the job, and it did not work out as you wanted, that you would blame him, as he thought (underlined) you blamed him for the move from Sayre.

He wanted to shout your decision (to leave Artistic) to the skies of course, and thought he was quite reasonable by saying nothing for a while, at your request; yet secretly he thought that your attitude of silence meant that you were not proud of the decision, did not want it known, that you were acting ashamed of it and wanted it kept quiet, rather than as a triumph.

Because you made the decision to leave does not mean that automatically the negative thought patterns are relieved. When Ruburt had fears about his physical abilities during the trip before the trip, they were not thoroughly discussed, barely mentioned. Together you should have seen that under the circumstances they were “natural extensions” (in quotes) of past habit. Some of them ordinary-enough concerns that anyone would have embarking upon a trip, about money, etc. hardly dire, and easily dealt with if aired; but he was ashamed of them. They were negative and to be hidden.

Now there are reasons for all this. I will see that you get them, but in the meantime you both can make an effort to express feelings. (We have already begun, with good results, as I type this the next day.) It will become easier as you go on. (Humorously.) The nonexpression leaves the door open for all kinds of misinterpretations. Some of the difficulty here had to do with the fact that Ruburt uncovered his body in front of others, which to him made him feel vulnerable, pointed up the contrast (with others); he would not let the normal feelings have release. He should have cried quite honestly in front of you, and you should have then tried to reassure him of those positive elements of his appearance.

He has not indeed, except for two periods, and neither have you. The fact, however, that you have left your job gives you a strong advantage and starting point, but you must use it. This means that you must first of all honestly admit your feelings about leaving your job; both of you, both your fears and hopes. Then it means that you do not waste time and energy in apathy, or in crying over the past, but that you see yourself at last beginning upon a course of action that is highly important. And a course, incidentally, that many people are not graced to follow. Your abilities give you added dimensions of mental and spiritual natures that you take for granted.