“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

None of this was spoken, and he felt it disloyal. He felt that you would interpret any such feelings on his part as aspersions against your manhood. He was finally driven to voice some of these attitudes as the years passed; particularly after your 50th birthday and his 40th, he became literally panic-stricken, yet you did nothing, to his way of thinking.

Success to him now would automatically put you in a poor light in his eyes. There was the struggle to succeed and not to succeed. He felt you were not putting yourself to the test, that you were holding back while he was putting himself to the test, and often not doing too well.

The fact that you would say “I am giving you the opportunity to do this by my job” entrapped him further, for he felt basically that underneath this was another reason: that if you wanted badly enough to paint all the time that you would do so, that you should have done so, that you should do so, that you would and could have managed without jobs, particularly in the later years, and that you were betraying yourself and therefore him. He did not feel this was his responsibility. It was a reversal of the leadership for him to tell you what to do.

As his own early youth vanished and nothing was done, he grew more frightened. He saw your lives blurring into those lived by others, the fine lines of purpose finally becoming dulled.

Now besides all this, as you know, because of his background he has a great need for emotional give-and-take and reassurance. This must come largely from you. It is and has been a sore point. As he became afraid that youth left him and that your drives to paint and write were not as secure and overriding, then he became even more in need of reassurance.

Because of the situation, of course, it was even more difficult than usual for you to give it. This in itself aggravated those old fears concerning sex and the body—that it would lead him astray. If you did not—I am using his terms now—flirt with him and play with him in those terms, he was afraid he would look for that assurance in other men’s eyes.

You still do not encourage, now, lovingly (underlined) Ruburt to discuss his fears. The two of you do not consistently bring them out into the open. Some could be easily dismissed if you lovingly said “These are harmless. Don’t you understand how silly they are,” but without accusation.

The more he valued your work the more concerned he became. He often in the beginning resented the psychic work precisely because it took time from your painting for transcripts. Therefore behind all of this is his high estimation of your abilities and work, and his refusal to see you trapped so that you do not have full time to use them.

So it is not that in Ruburt’s eyes that what you have done is not important. Its importance however in his eyes brings about the responsibility to go further. The steady, unvarying devotion that you have for him is always appreciated, never taken for granted, but he feels he would be denying that devotion of yours if he did not see to it that you had your chance to work.

Regardless of the earlier overidealization he still thinks, you see, that you are unique among men, for true love allows one to perceive the sublime uniqueness of the beloved. Beside your own drive to paint, he saw you through the eyes of his own drive to create.

Because you made the decision to leave does not mean that automatically the negative thought patterns are relieved. When Ruburt had fears about his physical abilities during the trip before the trip, they were not thoroughly discussed, barely mentioned. Together you should have seen that under the circumstances they were “natural extensions” (in quotes) of past habit. Some of them ordinary-enough concerns that anyone would have embarking upon a trip, about money, etc. hardly dire, and easily dealt with if aired; but he was ashamed of them. They were negative and to be hidden.

Now there are reasons for all this. I will see that you get them, but in the meantime you both can make an effort to express feelings. (We have already begun, with good results, as I type this the next day.) It will become easier as you go on. (Humorously.) The nonexpression leaves the door open for all kinds of misinterpretations. Some of the difficulty here had to do with the fact that Ruburt uncovered his body in front of others, which to him made him feel vulnerable, pointed up the contrast (with others); he would not let the normal feelings have release. He should have cried quite honestly in front of you, and you should have then tried to reassure him of those positive elements of his appearance.

Again, your loving encouragement that he can, for example, go down a step is highly important and supportive. Because of the reasons given earlier in this session, he retreats and hypnotizes his muscles into believing they cannot act such and such a way. He tries quite honestly to perform an act while believing he cannot, so that the muscles do fight themselves, and hurt quite painfully.

Quite frankly, they are of such a nature that youth could not bring them to fruition. This you and Ruburt should underline and remember. You could not use them as a youth, fully, anymore than Ruburt could have used his psychic abilities without gross distortion. Underline the last several sentences, and take my word for it.