“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Success to him now would automatically put you in a poor light in his eyes. There was the struggle to succeed and not to succeed. He felt you were not putting yourself to the test, that you were holding back while he was putting himself to the test, and often not doing too well.

The fact that you would say “I am giving you the opportunity to do this by my job” entrapped him further, for he felt basically that underneath this was another reason: that if you wanted badly enough to paint all the time that you would do so, that you should have done so, that you should do so, that you would and could have managed without jobs, particularly in the later years, and that you were betraying yourself and therefore him. He did not feel this was his responsibility. It was a reversal of the leadership for him to tell you what to do.

He did not want to admit these feelings to you or himself. He felt also, in the past, that if he told you to leave the job, and it did not work out as you wanted, that you would blame him, as he thought (underlined) you blamed him for the move from Sayre.

Now besides all this, as you know, because of his background he has a great need for emotional give-and-take and reassurance. This must come largely from you. It is and has been a sore point. As he became afraid that youth left him and that your drives to paint and write were not as secure and overriding, then he became even more in need of reassurance.

Because of the situation, of course, it was even more difficult than usual for you to give it. This in itself aggravated those old fears concerning sex and the body—that it would lead him astray. If you did not—I am using his terms now—flirt with him and play with him in those terms, he was afraid he would look for that assurance in other men’s eyes.

So it is not that in Ruburt’s eyes that what you have done is not important. Its importance however in his eyes brings about the responsibility to go further. The steady, unvarying devotion that you have for him is always appreciated, never taken for granted, but he feels he would be denying that devotion of yours if he did not see to it that you had your chance to work.

Loving encouragement in getting rid of those would have taken care of the trip difficulties. Instead he tried to smile and shove the trip fears under, and you let him.

Now there are reasons for all this. I will see that you get them, but in the meantime you both can make an effort to express feelings. (We have already begun, with good results, as I type this the next day.) It will become easier as you go on. (Humorously.) The nonexpression leaves the door open for all kinds of misinterpretations. Some of the difficulty here had to do with the fact that Ruburt uncovered his body in front of others, which to him made him feel vulnerable, pointed up the contrast (with others); he would not let the normal feelings have release. He should have cried quite honestly in front of you, and you should have then tried to reassure him of those positive elements of his appearance.