“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

First of all, Ruburt idealized you, as you know, in the early days of your marriage and courtship. The poetry to you clearly shows that he did not regard you in the same light as ordinary men. He did feel to some extent after your move to Elmira that you withheld leadership. This was twice the crushing blow because he overidealized you to such a degree to begin with.

I told you some of this was review, but pertinent. He felt that when he had initiated action in the past that it had not worked, and he was then afraid of initiating new action, so he kept waiting for you to do so. This mainly involved the idea of leaving your job, particularly as money accumulated in the bank.

None of this was spoken, and he felt it disloyal. He felt that you would interpret any such feelings on his part as aspersions against your manhood. He was finally driven to voice some of these attitudes as the years passed; particularly after your 50th birthday and his 40th, he became literally panic-stricken, yet you did nothing, to his way of thinking.

Success to him now would automatically put you in a poor light in his eyes. There was the struggle to succeed and not to succeed. He felt you were not putting yourself to the test, that you were holding back while he was putting himself to the test, and often not doing too well.

The fact that you would say “I am giving you the opportunity to do this by my job” entrapped him further, for he felt basically that underneath this was another reason: that if you wanted badly enough to paint all the time that you would do so, that you should have done so, that you should do so, that you would and could have managed without jobs, particularly in the later years, and that you were betraying yourself and therefore him. He did not feel this was his responsibility. It was a reversal of the leadership for him to tell you what to do.

He did not want to admit these feelings to you or himself. He felt also, in the past, that if he told you to leave the job, and it did not work out as you wanted, that you would blame him, as he thought (underlined) you blamed him for the move from Sayre.

As his own early youth vanished and nothing was done, he grew more frightened. He saw your lives blurring into those lived by others, the fine lines of purpose finally becoming dulled.

Now besides all this, as you know, because of his background he has a great need for emotional give-and-take and reassurance. This must come largely from you. It is and has been a sore point. As he became afraid that youth left him and that your drives to paint and write were not as secure and overriding, then he became even more in need of reassurance.

Because of the situation, of course, it was even more difficult than usual for you to give it. This in itself aggravated those old fears concerning sex and the body—that it would lead him astray. If you did not—I am using his terms now—flirt with him and play with him in those terms, he was afraid he would look for that assurance in other men’s eyes.

All of this contributed to the hampering of body motion. For whatever reasons, he never planned to marry a man who would go away to work each day, but saw you both involved in a jointly-shared comradeship of work and love. You, it seemed later, grabbed hold of a job with great tenacity and would not let it go, and he grew more and more afraid of suggesting that you do so.

Since you did not do so on your own, he was afraid that this meant that you did not want to. He would be forcing you into a position that you were avoiding with all your might, regardless of what you said. He felt forced into a corner, with life slipping away.

He wanted to shout your decision (to leave Artistic) to the skies of course, and thought he was quite reasonable by saying nothing for a while, at your request; yet secretly he thought that your attitude of silence meant that you were not proud of the decision, did not want it known, that you were acting ashamed of it and wanted it kept quiet, rather than as a triumph.

Now. It is precisely because Ruburt places such high value on your work and ability that he was so concerned. Had you stopped painting, you see, the dilemma in a way would not have existed. He felt you were denying yourself the one thing you wanted out of life above all others.

The more he valued your work the more concerned he became. He often in the beginning resented the psychic work precisely because it took time from your painting for transcripts. Therefore behind all of this is his high estimation of your abilities and work, and his refusal to see you trapped so that you do not have full time to use them.

He was angry at your mother for whatever ideas she gave you that prevented the full use of your abilities. One of the things Ruburt resents most about your mother is her lack of understanding of the nature of your artistic abilities. Ruburt considered your mother an enemy in that regard.

So it is not that in Ruburt’s eyes that what you have done is not important. Its importance however in his eyes brings about the responsibility to go further. The steady, unvarying devotion that you have for him is always appreciated, never taken for granted, but he feels he would be denying that devotion of yours if he did not see to it that you had your chance to work.

(9:10. Seth spoke thus because of a lot of noise next door. Newcomers were moving into the unit beside us; I heard a child’s voice also, which at once made me angry. Our landlord had told us earlier that people from Canada were coming to stay a week or ten days—in other words, as long as we would probably be here—but he hadn’t mentioned children. I frowned, then Seth spoke. One more problem, I thought, even if only temporary. Jane and I had a good discussion, though. I thought the material excellent. Resume at 9:22.)

Now. With each book that Ruburt produced, he felt guiltier that you were still at the job. He was afraid that both of you would become too timid as time went on to make the move that he felt you must make, and that the necessary opportunity would slip through you fingers.

Regardless of the earlier overidealization he still thinks, you see, that you are unique among men, for true love allows one to perceive the sublime uniqueness of the beloved. Beside your own drive to paint, he saw you through the eyes of his own drive to create.

He feels you also have a role to play in the psychic work that you could not play with a job.

Because you made the decision to leave does not mean that automatically the negative thought patterns are relieved. When Ruburt had fears about his physical abilities during the trip before the trip, they were not thoroughly discussed, barely mentioned. Together you should have seen that under the circumstances they were “natural extensions” (in quotes) of past habit. Some of them ordinary-enough concerns that anyone would have embarking upon a trip, about money, etc. hardly dire, and easily dealt with if aired; but he was ashamed of them. They were negative and to be hidden.

Loving encouragement in getting rid of those would have taken care of the trip difficulties. Instead he tried to smile and shove the trip fears under, and you let him.

Now there are reasons for all this. I will see that you get them, but in the meantime you both can make an effort to express feelings. (We have already begun, with good results, as I type this the next day.) It will become easier as you go on. (Humorously.) The nonexpression leaves the door open for all kinds of misinterpretations. Some of the difficulty here had to do with the fact that Ruburt uncovered his body in front of others, which to him made him feel vulnerable, pointed up the contrast (with others); he would not let the normal feelings have release. He should have cried quite honestly in front of you, and you should have then tried to reassure him of those positive elements of his appearance.

Earlier however he would not have so bared himself under any circumstances. He purposely put himself in a position where the physical was stressed. This was an advance. It also meant however that you should have both honestly faced the feelings aroused. Instead he tried to hide them.

Again, your loving encouragement that he can, for example, go down a step is highly important and supportive. Because of the reasons given earlier in this session, he retreats and hypnotizes his muscles into believing they cannot act such and such a way. He tries quite honestly to perform an act while believing he cannot, so that the muscles do fight themselves, and hurt quite painfully.

(“But we’re not really going to get anywhere until he gets over that self-hypnosis.”)

(“Then he hasn’t been out of that circle since this business began.” By this, I meant for at least the last five years. I should have said so, but Seth picked up my meaning.)

He has not indeed, except for two periods, and neither have you. The fact, however, that you have left your job gives you a strong advantage and starting point, but you must use it. This means that you must first of all honestly admit your feelings about leaving your job; both of you, both your fears and hopes. Then it means that you do not waste time and energy in apathy, or in crying over the past, but that you see yourself at last beginning upon a course of action that is highly important. And a course, incidentally, that many people are not graced to follow. Your abilities give you added dimensions of mental and spiritual natures that you take for granted.