“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

I told you some of this was review, but pertinent. He felt that when he had initiated action in the past that it had not worked, and he was then afraid of initiating new action, so he kept waiting for you to do so. This mainly involved the idea of leaving your job, particularly as money accumulated in the bank.

(I explained to Jane that I’ve never felt any aspersions against my manhood; that has never been a problem with me. As far as the idea of doing nothing, I explained to her that I thought saving money would enable us to get our own living quarters eventually, and thus solve some long-range problems. As soon as I realized that she was rebelling against a way of life that we had fallen into, probably mainly at my unwitting behest, I tried to make amends by leaving the job, etc. I would say the realization became conscious late last year; I kept the job until we finished checking the script for Seth Speaks, by the end of January.

Success to him now would automatically put you in a poor light in his eyes. There was the struggle to succeed and not to succeed. He felt you were not putting yourself to the test, that you were holding back while he was putting himself to the test, and often not doing too well.

The fact that you would say “I am giving you the opportunity to do this by my job” entrapped him further, for he felt basically that underneath this was another reason: that if you wanted badly enough to paint all the time that you would do so, that you should have done so, that you should do so, that you would and could have managed without jobs, particularly in the later years, and that you were betraying yourself and therefore him. He did not feel this was his responsibility. It was a reversal of the leadership for him to tell you what to do.

All of this contributed to the hampering of body motion. For whatever reasons, he never planned to marry a man who would go away to work each day, but saw you both involved in a jointly-shared comradeship of work and love. You, it seemed later, grabbed hold of a job with great tenacity and would not let it go, and he grew more and more afraid of suggesting that you do so.

Since you did not do so on your own, he was afraid that this meant that you did not want to. He would be forcing you into a position that you were avoiding with all your might, regardless of what you said. He felt forced into a corner, with life slipping away.

You still do not encourage, now, lovingly (underlined) Ruburt to discuss his fears. The two of you do not consistently bring them out into the open. Some could be easily dismissed if you lovingly said “These are harmless. Don’t you understand how silly they are,” but without accusation.

The daily habit would reap great results. I have told you both often—Do you want a rest?

The more he valued your work the more concerned he became. He often in the beginning resented the psychic work precisely because it took time from your painting for transcripts. Therefore behind all of this is his high estimation of your abilities and work, and his refusal to see you trapped so that you do not have full time to use them.

All of this should be kept in mind, and I tell you so that you do not concentrate upon the difficulties, and find no merit in your lives. You are both responsible for the psychic development, and without your steady devotion so many, Joseph, would not have been helped. You do not know these people, that have read the books and benefitted.

Now we will take a break. Do not blame the good people.

(Jane remembers this session better than I do. It took place in January. Anyhow, we didn’t have any such discussion as recommended, etc.)

Now there are reasons for all this. I will see that you get them, but in the meantime you both can make an effort to express feelings. (We have already begun, with good results, as I type this the next day.) It will become easier as you go on. (Humorously.) The nonexpression leaves the door open for all kinds of misinterpretations. Some of the difficulty here had to do with the fact that Ruburt uncovered his body in front of others, which to him made him feel vulnerable, pointed up the contrast (with others); he would not let the normal feelings have release. He should have cried quite honestly in front of you, and you should have then tried to reassure him of those positive elements of his appearance.

(I had noticed of course when Jane began to wear brief garments here, but I assumed she had simply decided to do so, and so I considered it a distinct advance. It completely escaped me that she was hiding feelings about revealing herself. Questioning her before writing these notes, I learned that she had indeed covered up feelings of inadequacy, crying, etc., regarding her appearance as compared with others.)

Again, your loving encouragement that he can, for example, go down a step is highly important and supportive. Because of the reasons given earlier in this session, he retreats and hypnotizes his muscles into believing they cannot act such and such a way. He tries quite honestly to perform an act while believing he cannot, so that the muscles do fight themselves, and hurt quite painfully.

He has not indeed, except for two periods, and neither have you. The fact, however, that you have left your job gives you a strong advantage and starting point, but you must use it. This means that you must first of all honestly admit your feelings about leaving your job; both of you, both your fears and hopes. Then it means that you do not waste time and energy in apathy, or in crying over the past, but that you see yourself at last beginning upon a course of action that is highly important. And a course, incidentally, that many people are not graced to follow. Your abilities give you added dimensions of mental and spiritual natures that you take for granted.

They are so a part of you that you do not recognize their relative uniqueness, and it is important that you do. Others recognize these qualities quite well in you, and their lack of them. It is highly important then that you try to sense this, be thankful for it, and not concentrate upon what seems to you to be the tragedy that you did not use them fully earlier.