“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

He felt when or if he spoke of this you were deeply hurt, thinking he did not understand your sacrifice—the job, but he did not want your sacrifice. He wanted you free to do your painting. He thought that you would not be satisfied to quit unless he had a job, and this he could not do because of his own commitment to his work.

(I long ago gave up on any thought of Jane taking a regular job—perhaps several years ago, etc.)

He felt trapped, then. He withdrew physically, throwing all the more energy, he thought, into this course of trying to produce a book good enough to free you both. When the rewards financially began to pile up and you did not make a move, he began to think it was futile.

In your discussions you came back to: “Yes, but I can’t depend on you to take a job to help out.” Of course you couldn’t. He thought that was understood. He could help you his own way, and that was not his way. His commitment forbade it. He thought your commitment forbid you, too. He felt in the last years that he could sustain you both financially, with your psychic support, if the stimuli were there, and he knew you were doing what you wanted to.

The money meant little if it did not bring you what you wanted or even provide an environment that was more desirable. He thought: another book, more money in the bank to pay taxes on, you still at your job, no trips, just another book for more money. He felt you were throwing his gift back in his face.

This is apart from the creative endeavor of the books. For these—to do his thing—he drained his body because he thought he had to, and for what reward?

He felt you resented his being home. You used to say “You don’t know what it is to punch a time clock,” he thought resentfully. He took it as an accusation. He felt deeply that you had no one but yourself to blame if you did not quit. The money was there to be used, and you were blaming him when he did not deserve it to that degree.

These thoughts smacked of disloyalty. He would not admit them consciously. He was afraid of demanding that you quit for fear you would say “I will quit if you get a job,” and this he could not do because of his own commitment.

(10:14. At break Jane experienced a real outburst, during which she said most forcefully that she wouldn’t get a job, had no intention of doing so, etc. I thought this was material she had harbored for a long time. I hadn’t asked her to get a job recently. Anything I said concerning Jane and jobs referred to past experiences, which hadn’t worked out, etc.

(Jane was really bleary and sleepy by the time she was finished. I thought her performance remarkable, and the poems of high quality. “I just sit here and they come out,” she said, but obviously there is much here for us to learn.)