“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(After I resumed my seat:) The conflict was obvious, then, he had determined to write, to make his living in that manner. He refused to make a pattern of jobs. At my instigation he began the classes, which led him, though slowly, into other areas of financial development.

As a woman he appreciated your concern for security, and part of him was frightened to think of your giving up the income then, but the greater intuitive part felt that you should do so. He would not support you with a job, but he would do so through his books and other endeavors.

He has no intentions of getting a job, but he considers this a tribute on his part and yours. He began to feel that the status quo would last. He wanted the impetus to come from you, yet realized that your concern for him, lately, made this relatively impossible. So he seemed caught.

Beyond this the daily and yearly steady living pattern was frightening to him in personal ways. He had always determined and said that he would not marry someone who stuck in a house on the corner of Main and such and such a street. This meant simply that the conventionally-accepted pattern was not acceptable to him.

He was also afraid of losing what you had, disrupting the pattern of current life, particularly if you did not feel ready. He became deeply worried for you, and looked to you for leadership. He felt you abandoned him as far as your joint concern with your work was concerned.

The psychic work took up more of your time. The obvious to him was to quit your job (Jane, as Seth, almost laughed), paint, and have the time you needed. You seemed willing to make no adjustments of any kind. At the same time he felt you would begin to resent the time spent from your work, but you would cling to the job like a lifeline until it was too late.

The few remarks he made never showed his deep emotional discontent. You would say “But you will not get a job,” or “You are not able to,” and that would make him think you did not understand at all. Of course he would not, and you should not.

He appreciated the time you gave him, but he did not want the sacrifice of yourself. It was to his way of thinking a perverted gift, for which he could give no adequate acknowledgment—a gift that denied what you wanted was no gift but an unendurable burden.

Symbolically the job meant to him a great psychic rift, after, now, he felt you had enough money in the bank to hold you awhile. This did not operate, obviously, when you did not have the means. He worked then to get them.

He felt you resented his being home. You used to say “You don’t know what it is to punch a time clock,” he thought resentfully. He took it as an accusation. He felt deeply that you had no one but yourself to blame if you did not quit. The money was there to be used, and you were blaming him when he did not deserve it to that degree.

With the dream book he felt, beside the material already given that it was useless. There would be more money in the bank and to him is was blood money, rotten or spoiled like fruit overripe and unused. He felt you were denying your own talent and abilities. You told him to trust himself constantly but you gave him no example, only words, for you did not trust yourself to that degree.

He was also very deeply aware of your part in them, in the sessions, and in your support. To that extent they were their own reward. The secondary benefits, to him now, the financial rewards, lay latent. He felt they should be plowed back in—used for you and your work, and that you were not taking advantage of these secondary rewards, that they lay unused when they should furnish you, now, with the opportunity to do your painting.

Because of his love and loyalty he is deeply concerned about your work, and development. He was afraid of casting you into a situation before you were ready, and it seemed to him if you did not initiate the action you were not ready. He is afraid, naturally enough of the change, but the fear of not making it is far greater. He is determined that you have the chance despite any consequences, despite natural fears or anything else.