“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(I showed them to Jane after the session and asked her to translate them, as she has done with the Christmas card I made for her, but she hasn’t had time to do so as I begin typing this the next evening. The translation will be added to the end of the session, presumably.)

Now: Ruburt may sometimes object to the terms used to describe his work. On a surface level the seeming shift from writer to psychic annoyed and bothered him, but it was always the same work, and he knew it. And he was always driven to do whatever must be done in order to produce it.

At the same time he gave less and less nourishment to the body, denied it exercise until it began to wither from disuse. He goes inward then with great applied focus, but held the body in such tight reins that he denied it both energy and attention.

The tendencies to so withdraw and deny the body were early obvious, but unrecognized. In college only the body’s miraculous youth protected it when Ruburt did not eat properly, subsisted mainly on coffee and cigarettes, and went without proper sleep for months at a time.

(9:45. The pace had been good. My hand was tired. I was absolutely appalled by the material. It was an extension of insights we had been discussing lately, but to see it all neatly arrayed together was devastating. I sat in silence for several minutes because I didn’t know what to do; I seemed to be neutralized by the conflicting feelings washing over me. Nor did Jane say anything.)

(I asked Jane why she was allowing this material to come through now, but she didn’t know. I had been getting very angry lately however so I felt this was a prime reason. I was terribly depressed, at least briefly. I grimly promised Jane that there were going to be changes; and this was to not at all minimize my own role in this problem—it was merely my stated vehement desire that this madness come to an end, that I was ready for a change, and demanded one.)

(“Yes.” But I still wouldn’t adopt physical ailment, etc.)

As this began to take more and more of your time however, he became concerned, for he did not intend to have his work at the price of your difficulty with him. He felt guilty enough that you had to work outside. He could justify some small inconveniences on your part, but not your continued unease and worried concern.

The body often would not allow sleep, since the muscles simply needed to be used. They would jump on their own simply for the exercise, regardless of suggestions that sleep come. You both minimized the importance of physical life to a large degree. Your nature and the circumstances prevented you from falling into a like but similar sort of situation.

(I couldn’t agree with these ideas less. It may be beating a dead horse, but let me say that I’ve told Jane time and again that I don’t consider her physical condition an acceptable price to pay for any sort of creative achievement. This idea hasn’t penetrated, though.)

You both always railed against overweight people. He did not think that would bother you then. (But it does, terrifically.) Again, he did not foresee the results. When they became obvious he decided there was nothing to do but put up with them if the end was justified.

(I explained this to Jane last summer. But that was six months ago now, and there has been no change.)

He never planned on the condition becoming permanent, but only as a conditioning process to be dispensed with when no longer needed. He also wanted you so see how hard he was working, so that you would not resent his being at home. This also showed that he was paying for the privilege. He did not intend that you pay also.

(“But he’s got to be willing to do these things…”

(I didn’t believe any of this, and still don’t. I let Seth see my disbelief, but said no more. Nor have I yet seen a vacation break any patterns of behavior, or change any attitudes. After the session, I told Jane I would have to see it to believe it.)

(I still intend to leave Artistic at the end of January, though some of my ideas have changed. Now I wonder if Jane will take my painting full time as a sign that her course of action was right all along, and simply intensify her withdrawal. Earlier today I told her I didn’t have any more time to wait, because of my physical age, that I no longer wanted to wait, etc. Easy to say. I have no idea whether I can bring it off, but I feel I might as well try. I feel exhausted, and that every other avenue has been explored.