“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

You always regarded this place as a place of transition. It was thought of in terms of social transition, or your place in society, and transition in terms of your work, particularly here on Ruburt’s side—on his part. Money for example through books would allow you to move.

Any thoughts of moving were always put off, until a tomorrow that has not come. Beyond the early years he did little improving. He is highly sensitive to environment, and needs—(suddenly louder:) and do not frown, and keep writing. I am angry at both of you this evening. More at Ruburt, but I cannot yell at him—

Work is involved, in that Ruburt always expected you would move as soon as he made any amount of money at all. You have been also highly ambiguous in your own attitudes about your dwelling. He felt you would not do anything about it. He did nothing about it on his own, except finally to rent the other apartment, but he has been holding his breath quite literally, for some time.

To some considerable degree you have not been willing to count on yourself. You have negatively assumed that you could find nothing suitable—no place, that is—and resented the time involved. The change, the added space, for a while did help, you see. Ruburt does feel closed in; to some extent you also do —not free for example in the summer to take advantage of the yard—one minute example. But you live with some constant aggravation.

The two apartments helped, but in a way there is less privacy because of the public hall, you see. You have used your dwelling place as a symbol then, which is why it becomes important. Otherwise it would not be an issue. Ruburt has strongly held down any tendencies through the years to spend any money, small as it might be, in decorating, buying furniture, simply because of your joint attitudes, the feeling of transition.

These tendencies have been almost completely repressed. But, again, they are not unconscious. Ruburt felt disloyal thinking of them because such thoughts seemed to him to criticize your joint life style and purposes.

The question, however brings up all of your attitudes—and you also have social attitudes—another apartment is no answer in that context. The thought of buying a house brings up strong feelings of inadequacy on your part. You feel that you should have been able to provide one for Ruburt by now.

The last episode, around the corner (on Grove Street, in a flooded area) did not apply, it was a token gesture. Each of you knew you would not live close to the river. Ruburt is also afraid of changing the status quo, however, as you are. So both of you have resented the other for not making a definite decision to move.

In many ways you are as stubborn as he is—and regardless of what you thought, you complained quite constantly, both about the job, your own work, and your dwelling. But once set upon a course, you would not change it either, and Ruburt would have done anything to see you happy in that (underlined) regard.

In your present dwelling there are many obvious issues. The two tiny kitchens show clearly that the nourishment of food has been given the last spot, in both of your lives. Ruburt simply carried it to the extreme, but the inclination is obvious in your dwelling.

Ruburt is hardly able to do housework. He does not want to do it. It is his resentment against this apartment (5). This room (the living room) is the only one he regularly enters.

Now. Many of these characteristics are not particularly negative at all. For example, Ruburt never felt comfortable in the yard when [the] Spazianis and the neighborhood ladies gathered. Neither did you. The bushes at the side however, and the garden area, largely compensated, and the secret quality the corner had.

Your resentment of Spaziani when he sold was projected upon him. It was anger mainly at yourself. You felt forced to stay. Other elements were involved, but the strength of your resentment, its charge, had to do with your own feelings about yourself and this place, as did Ruburt’s with Piper.

Leonard made a home here, and Ruburt for all of his disdain with Leonard’s taste, was furious at taking Leonard’s discard. Yet it always seemed impractical to do anything here, since surely you were both going to move.

There were a series of seemingly innocuous desires, but forever put off, it seemed. Now with people who have many other sources of amusement, occupation, family gatherings and social episodes, such things do not have such meaning. Most of your contacts are professional; you both work at home. The environment therefore becomes highly important, as the living medium in which you work. This is one reason why you were not as affected as Ruburt, because you were away from the environment part of the day. Do you follow me?

Up until that time. I am saying that the build-up of influences affected Ruburt more because this was his only environment through those years when you were away part time.

Now that you are here the relevance is important, but you do not have the built-up accumulation. At one time Ruburt could walk in the yard, you see, in privacy. He felt shielded. Now you do not understand how both of your attitudes were affected, as the house itself changed and as it changed hands.

Some of the small, seemingly silly issues forever put off: a private backyard, shielding trees outside, a front and back door of your own, for Ruburt a dog, both of you a unit of your own; that is, a house over which you had control.

You have private rooms now in a public area that becomes more public all the time, as tenants, strangers, move in and out. For a while the whole house had feelings of privacy when the same tenants, for example Lucy, were here for some time. With a change in tenants the halls for example become anonymous, all of these feelings strongly operate, and on both of your parts. Ruburt reacts physically, he waits physically. You do not feel safe to work.

Now in this structure everything else is aggravated—the feelings between you and Ruburt mentioned so often for example. You both feel hampered in love-making. He does not feel he can let go. To raise your voice, to express aggression when you feel it, becomes a cautious endeavor. In the past you felt surrounded at least by relative good will... changing tenants alters those feelings, however. You both resented it.

Now. The symptoms began to show when it seemed to Ruburt changes should be made.

Ruburt’s own fear, and fear for you, kept the material hidden; as did incidentally, the flood. It was simply an excuse in a way, but on the other hand Ruburt recognized the difficulties during that time. Also you both felt some loyalty to the house, and would not leave it in that condition. Ruburt does not think of money, but he can produce it with great facility—when he wants it for something, so he has been enraged at this useless money, in those terms.

Your mother’s home would not have served your purposes, yours or Ruburt’s. I tell you that so that you realize you did not make a mistake.

There is no doubt that it is easier for Ruburt to get clear information on others. This has to do with the mechanics of the mind. He is not involved in the same way with others. Even the information given to others, though it may be completely correct, will not be accepted unless they are ready for it. In this case the personality has to bypass itself as much as possible, and then hope for a clear-enough channel.

This evening for example, your after-dinner conversation aroused Ruburt’s own fears, sent him into an emotional state in which he accepted them, used them, exaggerated even his desperation, hoping to force an answer.

Now. Through the years Ruburt has always been the one to watch the ads, at least in spurts, and watched your reaction.

You (me) (underlined) have a tendency to think in terms of obstacles. Ruburt allowed this to add to latent (underlined) characteristics of his own. Your joint ideas then prevented you from ever thinking creatively. You never thought that moving could be fun—and that is your reality. No one else created it.