“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

When the two of you could work together, he thought, all that would change. You would have time to work and play. You would be more emotionally demonstrative, freed from your job. His work would bear more and more the burden of his needs, and take up the emotional slack that was now apparent. It had to be everything, then. The more you two communicate in the way I mentioned, the less the pressure is in the work area.

(Now in an aside Seth told me there were many “strings” to the material; that it seemed to come “sideways,” but that it would all come together.)

He felt he did not know much, but that he knew more in ways important to him than these people did. They were coming to him when he so desperately had wanted to join them, thinking that his idealized, youthful hopes would there find fruition.

Yet for the entire time he began to wonder, regardless, about his position at Prentice. Was he being taken for a fool? Should he have changed to another publisher? But this meant in his case: should he try to exclusively be the literary person again? Yet he found that these people wanted his psychic work most of all. And that while they appreciated his other work, his main value in their eyes lay precisely in the field that he thought would mean nothing to them.

In the meantime our books began to do well financially. These people, he felt, were not the romantic artists he had dreamed of, but sometimes very calculating, and would blemish an artistic product with what he believed to be moral incompetence.

Seven represented the same kind of synthesis, and these were both Jane-type productions. After these Ruburt could not make up his mind. If you did not really approve of Prentice as a publisher, then he wondered seriously whether he should follow through with a new house, and with the hopes that Eleanor offered. You typed my book, and I appreciate the work and the reasons, but Ruburt felt it was also because you did not trust Prentice, and always that you thought another publisher would do a better job overall.

He made the bed that day. Usually he would think of how slow and clumsy he was, and if you were waiting or watching how impatient you might be. That day, he thought “After Rob seeing how I really am in the morning—if he saw me now he would see how much better I am,” and he felt proud of doing what he was doing as well as he could.

Another string: Because he hid from you for the reasons given, then he would become angry at you, perversely enough, when you did not understand his great joyful triumph when he felt like dancing. You expected it, from the standpoint of someone physically in good condition.

Since he felt that you judged his physical behavior from that “superior” position, then he felt that no improvement except complete recovery would get your approval. Anything else would always fall short.

Ruburt began to feel powerless momentarily in the business area. At the same time the hiding-from-you issues that had developed, and are given tonight, had come into full force. Ruburt, as you know, does not like to say no, particularly to people like Dick, a friend. He knew however intuitively that he did not want to change alliance. He has simply hoped Eleanor would take what Prentice did not want.

Remembering your past ideas toward Prentice, he wondered, regardless of what you said, if you thought he should stay with them. He was very afraid of losing a contract with Prentice for Aspects, and a Bantam contract, while waiting around for another arrangement. At the same time he was afraid of making demands at Prentice for fear he would discover that they didn’t care if he stayed or not. Feeling that way he still went ahead on his own, and felt happily vindicated. The whole affair, with his reactions now, still had him at the point where he did not think he could physically recover, and he was caught in a panic that he tried to hide from you.