“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Ruburt is not a child, but you often do think that your concern automatically expresses your love, and take it for granted that to Ruburt that is clear. While he tells himself that your concern is based on love, and knows it, he felt that love for example last night through feel and touch.

Now: While Ruburt is not a child he operates emotionally with a child’s simplicity, and is at his best in direct personal encounter with you or with his friends, for example. With the same directness he does not want anything to do with people he dislikes, for whatever reason.

He was so direct emotionally that he idealized what he thought of as your relative detachment. This of course is old. At one time he felt his emotional spontaneity was indeed admired by you and encouraged, and he blossomed. Then he felt it threatened you—that it would form a barrier between you. He felt that you thought he wanted more than you could give—or wanted to give, practically speaking.

He believed that emotional freedom would be construed as chaos, that while you said be spontaneous, you meant “Be spontaneous when it is convenient.” Beside the personality differences, however, work was also involved. Spontaneous love-making for example would cut into the work schedule that both of you had evolved.

All of this is old, yet the patterns began strongly then. He felt that his obvious femininity was almost a threat to both of your works, that he had no right to look sexy and tempt you both when spontaneous love play, for example, would not occur. He remembers you telling him not to kiss you or be sexually provocative unless he meant it.

By nature he deals directly with people or events. When he feels that this is impossible and tries to do otherwise, he runs into difficulty. Because you are only now learning to verbalize your feelings, this means that he felt, particularly in the past, that you dealt with him opaquely in an area in which he did not know how to cope.

He felt it unfair to keep at you for emotional expression of love through verbalization and touch when it was not natural to you. In self-protection he tried to become the same way, to inhibit his sexuality because of what he thought of as your temperamental differences, and also because of the work schedule interruptions.

Now. In the past, not too distant, you often met his advances coldly whenever he did decide to try again. I can give you instances if you want them.

Lately he was convinced that he was unattractive to you from the face down, that you considered him stupid, as he did, while having physical difficulty; that you were a perfectionist and did not want to see crooked legs—that physically, not mentally, he got in your way, and that physically you did not look upon him with approval, as he did not.

Now there are reasons—you have stated them well—for ambiguities of feeling on your part about Ruburt’s condition. They are understandable. You make an effort to tell him he looks well on occasion, but stroking his body tells him you love it—frowning at him does not.

Now: Ruburt’s work therefore became more and more important. It had to justify the lack of spontaneity in personal areas, and the same always applied to you. For a while at least he felt you met only in your work, and in the sessions.

Everything he does is literal and symbolic at the same time. He became relaxed and psychedelic one day fairly recently when he washed windows and you made a remark to the effect that you would not like to be at the mercy of such things. Do you follow me?

To him it was a direct action taken against something that annoyed him—the dust—an act of independence since he did it, and a symbolic clearing away of inner debris. To completely redecorate and rearrange your apartment would represent a symbolic and literal statement. At least you would be perfecting what you have, and taking steps within that framework, freely redecorating creatively, changing your environment instead of squawking while staying. Yet he is sure you would consider it a vast annoying distraction, even though not as annoying as moving. But he has not felt free to go ahead in either direction.

At the same time he thinks of the two of you together. Anything you do as partners excites him. Any time you initiate a program to help him he is excited. When you do not continue it he is afraid that you are not willing to take the consequences, while you interpret the discontinuation to mean he does not want to improve.

In a way both interpretations are correct, though because of his position he is more apt to project negatives on you. Rest your hand.

The information is all available but you are physically hampered in time, so I will clear up any points later and amplify. Because you are not in his position you are presently able to help him when he falters, to help him help himself. And you help—consistently—in a consistent program itself assures him that you do want him to be himself.

You are “above” some of his hassles, but familiar with them, so you can help by offering encouragement precisely when he is down. If his “downness” depresses you, as is natural, imagine how much more it depresses him, and try then to find your own footing.

Strangely enough, in encouraging his spontaneity you are encouraging your own, because often he acts for both of you. It is futile to say that life should not involve challenges. You have accepted them. They are accepted to be solved. You are seeing what happens when spontaneity becomes hampered through beliefs, and in your early life you believed you must hamper it in yourself. You are seeing what happened to your brothers. You are seeing what happened to your father.

Ruburt is learning to understand the nature of the mind in a way he could not understand it second-handed, playing games, and in condensed form you are learning about the human condition. What you said today is true: You must learn to understand the creativity and responsibility of consciousness. Yet you yourself often said in the past that suggestion could not be that important. Suggestion causes your reality. The suggestions you give are given as a result of your beliefs.

Now. I want Ruburt to keep a pendulum by the bed. In the morning suggestions given with the pendulum, and both of you participating. He is not to feel ashamed of his body in your eyes, regardless of its condition. Again, in one night I can only give you so much, but he grew afraid, and you helped him today to combat that fear: He was frightened that the body could not change, and your belief that it could was of great help.

There will be questions you have then that are not answered this evening. In the meantime follow the few suggestions given, and in whatever way you can, express your own spontaneous feelings toward Ruburt.... On his part, he must make an effort to rise above the reinforced feelings of despair, and to assure himself that his body can perform adequately with time, and following these suggestions.