“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(To bolster the permanency of the panel I backed it with a wooden frame that I glued to the panel, to prevent warping, etc. I used wood for this that I found in father’s garage in Sayre over the last weekend. On Tuesday afternoon when I began the blowup of the drawing to transfer in turn to the panel for painting, the symptoms began—coughing, sneezing, etc., much like aggravated hay fever symptoms. I also had trouble figuring out the right size to make the figures in the oil—nothing was going right, and after a while it was only too obvious that my subconscious was raising hell about the whole project.

(I felt much better while out working Wednesday morning, but the symptoms returned again Wednesday afternoon when I again tackled the project in the studio. I became angry and half disgusted, and began to realize that I would probably have to abandon the painting, since I wasn’t resolving the problems. I was afraid that once the symptoms persisted for another day or so, I would have a cold or some such thing to handle, and that days could be spent clearing it up. I didn’t ask Seth to clear anything. I was also struck by my reaction to the whole development, and couldn’t help comparing my reaction to Jane’s reaction to her own symptoms. I wanted out after a day of unease, but her symptoms had persisted now for several years. I felt intuitively that both sets of symptoms represented doing things that encountered resistance; my own symptoms seemed very instructive in this respect.

(Nevertheless, I have laid the projected painting aside, at least for the time being, although I did arrive at what seems to be an acceptable solution to all portions of my personality. At least the pendulum agrees to this. But it is Sunday, May 16, as I write this, and the symptoms are still with me—to a much lesser degree. They are gradually wearing away, in the same way, I suppose, that I will gradually come to reconcile the conflicts I became aware of through this whole episode.

(I am finishing up a series of half a dozen life-sized portraits, at the end of which, I told myself some time ago, I would feel free to embark upon larger projects of whatever choice I made. The smaller painting mentioned above is part of this series; so in returning to this I think I made a good decision. The pendulum agrees.