“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(This material is deleted from the 585th session for May 12, 1971. Here are a few details of my own cold-like symptoms which began on Tuesday night, May 4, and which Seth discusses below. I had already received some insight on the problem by using the pendulum, but by tonight, Wednesday, felt exhausted by the symptoms.

(The pendulum told me that I was bothered by the idea of the possible lack of permanency of the panel I had chosen, and briefly that I was somewhat aware of the change in this picture, as far as handling of form would be concerned, from my usual style of working. I told none of this to Jane at the time. I thought I had resolved the problem, but when the symptoms continued during Jane’s ESP class Tuesday night, I realized I was wrong—the problem had not been cleared up.

(I felt much better while out working Wednesday morning, but the symptoms returned again Wednesday afternoon when I again tackled the project in the studio. I became angry and half disgusted, and began to realize that I would probably have to abandon the painting, since I wasn’t resolving the problems. I was afraid that once the symptoms persisted for another day or so, I would have a cold or some such thing to handle, and that days could be spent clearing it up. I didn’t ask Seth to clear anything. I was also struck by my reaction to the whole development, and couldn’t help comparing my reaction to Jane’s reaction to her own symptoms. I wanted out after a day of unease, but her symptoms had persisted now for several years. I felt intuitively that both sets of symptoms represented doing things that encountered resistance; my own symptoms seemed very instructive in this respect.

(That a part of her did and does welcome the sessions and is indeed responsible for them, is not as important as that all elements of her personality respond to whatever she does in a positive way. As long as the symptoms last, it is a sign that all is not well. Changes are coming; they must; I don’t believe they can be anything but for the better. There will probably be more to say on this later. I didn’t plan particularly to ask Seth about any of this tonight; I was angry at myself and not in the mood to delve into anything, actually.

(Note that I had progressed this far on my own with the pendulum, but I hadn’t reached a full understanding of the contents of the first paragraph, above. I’d had some glimmerings, but hadn’t expressed any of them to Jane.)

You can accept completely abstract work, and do it well, though you would not be satisfied with it for a great time. (True.) This sort of a painting however, that uses figures or objects, but not in representational form, bothers you, while you are strongly attracted in sketches of the same nature. There is no dilemma: you allow the intuitive self spontaneous expression in those sketches. It is only when you transpose the same ideas onto painting and a more permanent form that you become uneasy.

(Excellent. Part of this was quite unknown to me consciously, but is the kind of data that once realized falls instantly into place.)

Intuitively you knew better, and (but?) when painting was concerned—your career, you did not allow yourself the freedom. In sketches which were fun, and to you not permanent, you permitted the spontaneity.

(Nevertheless, I have laid the projected painting aside, at least for the time being, although I did arrive at what seems to be an acceptable solution to all portions of my personality. At least the pendulum agrees to this. But it is Sunday, May 16, as I write this, and the symptoms are still with me—to a much lesser degree. They are gradually wearing away, in the same way, I suppose, that I will gradually come to reconcile the conflicts I became aware of through this whole episode.

(This is an admirable acceptance on Seth’s part of whatever developments occur. He is probably more acutely aware of possibilities than I am, although I have been turning them over at a great rate lately. Some things are bound to be changed, I feel. It’s too early for decisions to be given here, and perhaps no hard and fast rules are needed... but some changes in attitudes are, certainly. I don’t mind stating that I felt sadness now as I contemplated some of the alternatives I’d been entertaining lately.)

(But she moves as slowly as before, I thought: “I’m just wondering where that leaves the impetus for the slow motion, then.”)