“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

In the past this was done completely at an unconscious level, with no conscious knowledge. He took no responsibility for his image. Since childhood, he expected later life to make up for any privations suffered earlier. Books were to bring instant success. The taste of limited success whetted his appetite during your tour. On the other hand he was afraid of it for the reasons given earlier, having to do with yourself.

Indeed then here a compensation. He slowed down further in anger at the compensation, or what he felt to be its necessity. It also represented a slowdown in the activity from Prentice, in that he feels that if Tam were really interested in his book he would keep better track of it.

He is very worried that you will not find success, recognition that is, or money of a large nature, and does not feel that he should if you do not. In a chaotic world of twisted reasoning he thinks his symptoms will take your mind off your own problems, and relieve you to some extent. He is hurt when people do not buy your paintings off the walls, and angry at anyone who mentions liking a painting without offering to buy it.

He is at his worst with you on the street because he does not want to show you up. The same applies when he is with you at home, with others present.

A side point here, but with some reference: his mother always told him that he would destroy those he loved, and he feared that any success of his might show you up if you had not achieved your own. Give us time. (Pause.)

Actual continued success on the other hand would have been a definite experience that you could have met together, say then another tour. He could have been reassured by your reactions. The slowdown however gave him ambiguous feelings, lest success on his part meant further time from your own painting, which you would resent; so that in that respect continued success at tours would be at the expense of your valued painting time.

You cannot try to go and stop at the same time, to be driven to achieve and not achieve, without some consequences. Earlier he felt the stronger apathy that so frightened him, at the height, or depths, of the depression, that being partially probed at the time if you recall. The idea of napping evocatively brings it to mind in less severe form, so that a nap was not a creative refreshing time, but a cop-out. That is, to his way of thinking.

Now he felt that Rebellers, representing his first book success, helped bring about your illness, and this feeling alone is responsible for much of this.

You were angry and resentful. Part of this was a projection of other problems however, rather than specifically your attitude toward the book. Your attitude however was very negative. It shocked, frightened him, and made him think that perhaps his success could separate you. He knew the book was not art also, and felt guilty.

He felt that you were his accuser, and punished him by becoming ill. Before that he felt that your negative feelings were largely directed against your parents. At this point he felt they were directed against him. He had put a great weight of trust and loyalty in you, and felt lost, insecure and frightened. At that point he felt completely alone. Those feelings have largely dissipated, so that the loyalty, never withdrawn, is still vital.

This is all in the background of the difficulties. You stopped reading his dream book. He is again frightened as to whether or not it will meet with your approval.

In class sessions he does not feel this. You have always in the past (underlined) spoken of discipline. He was afraid that you would resent his success in something that seemed too spontaneous.