“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Now. Give us a moment.... Ruburt is, as you know, highly creative. What most artists do not realize is that the self is the first creation. They do not think of themselves as products of their own creativity. Because of Ruburt’s energy and creativity, he has always perfectly mirrored and even somewhat exaggerated the condition of the inner self, its activities and inner postures.

In the past this was done completely at an unconscious level, with no conscious knowledge. He took no responsibility for his image. Since childhood, he expected later life to make up for any privations suffered earlier. Books were to bring instant success. The taste of limited success whetted his appetite during your tour. On the other hand he was afraid of it for the reasons given earlier, having to do with yourself.

The slowdown was physically expressed, both as an expression of the slowdown on the company’s part after the initial burst of activity, representing here disappointment and anger. This also represented a cautionary slowdown however to reassure you that he was not going to take over, overshadow you, since you have worked so hard at your own art without any such recognition.

Indeed then here a compensation. He slowed down further in anger at the compensation, or what he felt to be its necessity. It also represented a slowdown in the activity from Prentice, in that he feels that if Tam were really interested in his book he would keep better track of it.

This was tied in with the felt slowdown of winter. He was also ashamed of himself for the reactions, and hence did not want to go out to be seen. There has been a slowdown of subsidiary psychic activity—dream recall and out-of- bodies, which is partially cyclic. He does normally slow down in winter, which is perfectly all right, taken alone.

He is very worried that you will not find success, recognition that is, or money of a large nature, and does not feel that he should if you do not. In a chaotic world of twisted reasoning he thinks his symptoms will take your mind off your own problems, and relieve you to some extent. He is hurt when people do not buy your paintings off the walls, and angry at anyone who mentions liking a painting without offering to buy it.

He is at his worst with you on the street because he does not want to show you up. The same applies when he is with you at home, with others present.

Now there is a connection here with mothers: some of this, though she is not present, connected with your mother. If your mother thinks Ruburt is more successful than you, then obviously she can see that Ruburt is paying for it. The same applies to those in your apartment house. Much of this stems from the young psychologist’s remark, as interpreted by Ruburt, that he was using psychic phenomena to dominate you.

As things turned out, the psychic phenomena was a way to achieve success, and because he loves you he will be sure it is not at your expense. No one will say that he is the most dominant, or accuse him of this if he so obviously needs your assistance, walks behind you. This also means that you show your devotion more obviously, gallantly offering him assistance, thus always showing the world that what he is doing has your blessing.

A side point here, but with some reference: his mother always told him that he would destroy those he loved, and he feared that any success of his might show you up if you had not achieved your own. Give us time. (Pause.)

Actual continued success on the other hand would have been a definite experience that you could have met together, say then another tour. He could have been reassured by your reactions. The slowdown however gave him ambiguous feelings, lest success on his part meant further time from your own painting, which you would resent; so that in that respect continued success at tours would be at the expense of your valued painting time.

Now give us time, and rest your fingers. I will leave our friend more or less the way he is for a few moments.

Now. Rest or a nap in the middle of the day is the most literal and yet symbolic interpretation of a slowdown. Here on awakening he was confronted with the intuitive knowledge of what he had done, not only since the tour but to varying degrees before it. For to carry the idea through, he would have to stop completely.

You cannot try to go and stop at the same time, to be driven to achieve and not achieve, without some consequences. Earlier he felt the stronger apathy that so frightened him, at the height, or depths, of the depression, that being partially probed at the time if you recall. The idea of napping evocatively brings it to mind in less severe form, so that a nap was not a creative refreshing time, but a cop-out. That is, to his way of thinking.

Now he felt that Rebellers, representing his first book success, helped bring about your illness, and this feeling alone is responsible for much of this.

It came out while you were becoming sick. Your mood was very poor, and he felt that you were angry and resentful at him because of its publication. You were not yet in the throes of your illness, and he felt that this represented the last straw to you—that it was not that good a book, not art as you thought your paintings to be, and yet it was published.

You were angry and resentful. Part of this was a projection of other problems however, rather than specifically your attitude toward the book. Your attitude however was very negative. It shocked, frightened him, and made him think that perhaps his success could separate you. He knew the book was not art also, and felt guilty.

He felt that you were his accuser, and punished him by becoming ill. Before that he felt that your negative feelings were largely directed against your parents. At this point he felt they were directed against him. He had put a great weight of trust and loyalty in you, and felt lost, insecure and frightened. At that point he felt completely alone. Those feelings have largely dissipated, so that the loyalty, never withdrawn, is still vital.

This is all in the background of the difficulties. You stopped reading his dream book. He is again frightened as to whether or not it will meet with your approval.

(“He knows that’s no problem.”)

He worries and looks for reassurance in that area.

One small note. This also has to do in our own private sessions, with Ruburt’s slowness and difficulty getting out of the chair—to show you that he is paying for the success of the sessions.

In class sessions he does not feel this. You have always in the past (underlined) spoken of discipline. He was afraid that you would resent his success in something that seemed too spontaneous.