“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

These ambiguous feelings on both of your parts have much to do with the penis reaction. It does not dare shoot a straight line. (Half humorously.) At the same time that these sexual feelings operated, the two of you have an extremely powerful psychic bond, and a hidden but definite sense of inner identity.

Your before-class activities were decided upon because you knew they could not last too long. Now Ruburt chose, as a woman, to have this strong magnetic feeling toward you, and while the same drives pull you both, because he is a woman this time he is, far more than you, sensitive to the lack or ordinary physical endearment. This leads us to a difference in your reactions to these problems.

He reacts personally and deeply when you get too far in the direction toward noncontact. This noncontact simply is more easily accepted, comparatively speaking, by you. He feels however that his body has been almost cursed by you both, and at its worst reaction he interprets fairly prolonged noncontact in the following terms: the way Christ cursed the fig tree, that it dare not bloom, that his body is forsaken by you both, unwanted, an orphan child, so that even his good looks as a woman are suspect.

Now you feel more actively threatened when the two of you reach the opposite end of closeness and contact, where you feel that despite all your precautions pregnancy might result. You withdraw emotionally, and it is at this point that Ruburt then begins his reactions. Precisely at the point where he feels pressed enough to practically and symbolically invade your working studio with intimacy in mind, and spontaneous intimacy at that—that is the point that you quickly begin an emotional and physical retreat.

Ruburt sensed this feeling, and it was often in reaction against it that we did not have our next private session, and hence the buried connection: “If you do not love me I will not have a session for you.” He mentioned the Saturday morning occasions himself lately. He gets better as the day goes on, physically.

On one level Ruburt grossly misinterpreted your reaction here; since he was susceptible and knew it in his work area, he erroneously supposed you would be. The fact is that Ruburt, working, attracts you sexually, and you working attract Ruburt sexually. You however, being the male breadwinner as well as artist, feel most threatened by sex when you are working, because pregnancy could threaten the artist. So your attitudes in that regard, and reactions, will be mixed but usually adverse.