“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Now. Some of this will seem very simple, but often you forget the pure simplicity of your motives when you concentrate upon tangles.

You chose ahead of time therefore to be driven along certain directions. Now. Both of you decided that you would give your lives to creative work. Both of you decided that you would have no children, not only because this fit in with the first goal, but because the energy connected with family life would go into your creative productions, would be saved and available when you began to embark upon the psychic work for which you had also planned.

These simple things you know but often overlook. They are forged together. There is a built-in area of adjustment. When you approach either end of this area, automatic danger signals go off, telling you to move in one direction or the other, back to the symbolic center of your energy and abilities.

As you know, again, it is far easier for you not to have children, regardless of all strains. Many people would find it impossible. You are determined not to have them at all cost. You have at different times adopted different methods and adjustments, but your physical relationship has been structured not around mutual pleasure but instead about the fear of having children.

You overreacted, but merely along the lines of a learning process to insure that the main areas were not violated. You went too far, both of you, in that direction. All touch, to each of you now, was not innocent or joyful encounter; it meant “How far will this lead, and is the time of the month correct?” This applies to you both. Ruburt desperately wanted you to cherish him as a woman, to play and flirt with him. He wanted you to show even innocent animal affection. At the same time however, implied in any such touches, in his mind also was the question “How far will this go?”

This was the reason for his outrage last night. He had done what both of you wanted, and now everyone was angry at him, including himself—but he felt (underlined) that he had done it mainly to reassure you.

These ambiguous feelings on both of your parts have much to do with the penis reaction. It does not dare shoot a straight line. (Half humorously.) At the same time that these sexual feelings operated, the two of you have an extremely powerful psychic bond, and a hidden but definite sense of inner identity.

In the physical life this seeks physical methods of expression. Ruburt has strong seemingly contrasting personality characteristics, but seen in the light of the personality’s whole purpose, they are not contrasting but complementary, each one woven with the other toward the main goals. The same applies to yourself.

He feels therefore a strong division, in that his mind is acceptable, that you both value it, but that his body is unacceptable. On the other hand however, with his womanly characteristics, he wants to be stroked and physically loved, and when he is not he feels that you have divorced his body.

This is the meaning of the dreams he had in the past about divorce. He feels completely uncherished, and therefore he does not nourish his body, because he does not want more of it. Now in that way, and he could not explain it to you because he did not understand it, he did feel completely divorced by you, particularly when he was at nursery school. He felt you had divorced his body, but not you see his mind.

Now I suggested that we move our sessions back here for the reasons given, but also because I knew that to Ruburt this meant an implied greater sense of togetherness on your parts, and of secrecy. Secrecy is a strong element in Ruburt’s personality, and while you recognize this in yourself, you have been very opaque in that you have not earlier seen it in Ruburt.

Now too many people enter it. It has become to him a very necessary and important meeting ground between the two of you. Your ideas, our work—and the world at large. It becomes therefore a necessary and important room of communication, but now of communication going out into the world. It loses then that secrecy that has always been important to him.

The secrecy also enables him to retreat in anger from you to some extent under the conditions mentioned earlier, and also has much to do with all of this brooding in secret. When he feels closed off from you it is then that he keeps important matters to himself. Because he is talkative this escapes your notice, but he often uses talk as a shield.

A point I want to make: these are small but significant attitudes of his. I suggested frequently the up and down movements and the running, because he must set those legs into activity. I stressed however that he should make a game of it. As you know we have met severe blockage here, and I can now tell you the reasons.

Now give us a moment. I am dealing mainly right now with his attitudes because you did not recognize many of them. Such a physical alienation was bound to have emotional consequences on both of your parts. He did not feel physically loved or wanted by you, but more than this you see, he agreed with the judgment that he felt both of you had made. Had he not agreed, you would have had a different set of problems.

Now when he felt that physical divorce you made various attempts to come closer, and you have made strides since obviously the symptoms have lessened. But one or the other of you would become frightened for the reasons given, and lately Ruburt felt an emotional separation might occur, and was occurring. Here again the threat to the prime directives, for he feels, and so do you, your work and the sessions quake when your relationship goes toward either extreme.

The class sessions incidentally, served to keep the spontaneity available, for the spontaneity of our own sessions suffers when your own relationship is less than the both of you accept. Then it becomes something you want to do and feel you should do, and a strong part of your work, but the spontaneous fountainheads beneath do not have that easy flow. So that that flow does not dry up when it does not operate as fully as it ordinarily can in our own sessions, then it shoots up and appears in class sessions, as a precaution and simply because the fountainhead as such will not dry up, but seeks its natural release. For this reason to some extent you have distrusted the class sessions, feeling that the strong personal basis of the sessions with you and Ruburt was escaping you.

Weekend mornings you are here to observe. Then to top it off, following his subconscious reasoning here, for he has scarcely been aware of this, you would not only observe him, but to his way of thinking, force him to make a public spectacle of his condition. He went through all kinds of pretenses, smiling when he tried to go down the stairs, trying to tell himself that it did not hurt, and far too upset to make use of the unending line of positive suggestions he tried frantically to give himself.

So when you said “You do not try to help yourself,” he was so angry he was nearly speechless. He felt you a stern taskmaster, and the logic as being: the worse you feel the more you should drive yourself. But he felt this also, you see. It was much more important to take a walk when he did not feel good than when he did.

The spontaneity of action as a result however was extremely difficult. The energy has been blocked. You saw it briefly in his fit of anger. Because of your past-life connections—and I will see to it that you get this material—he chose to put all his eggs in one basket, so to speak, as you did. But he also chose to divest himself of any distracting family references in later life, as far as his own parents were concerned.

He relates warmly to others, but he relates deeply only to you. His nature is strongly emotional, so he becomes more panicky than you when you approach, again, the far side of your safe-contact line, where you become panicky when you reach the close side of the same line.

You have however unknowingly an unconscious supportive relationship simply as a result of the identity of your family. You may dislike it, or isolate yourself from it, but it exists. He has never known that particular kind of belonging, and therefore his sense of belonging in that regard is connected with you alone.

On one level Ruburt grossly misinterpreted your reaction here; since he was susceptible and knew it in his work area, he erroneously supposed you would be. The fact is that Ruburt, working, attracts you sexually, and you working attract Ruburt sexually. You however, being the male breadwinner as well as artist, feel most threatened by sex when you are working, because pregnancy could threaten the artist. So your attitudes in that regard, and reactions, will be mixed but usually adverse.