“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

As you know, again, it is far easier for you not to have children, regardless of all strains. Many people would find it impossible. You are determined not to have them at all cost. You have at different times adopted different methods and adjustments, but your physical relationship has been structured not around mutual pleasure but instead about the fear of having children.

You overreacted, but merely along the lines of a learning process to insure that the main areas were not violated. You went too far, both of you, in that direction. All touch, to each of you now, was not innocent or joyful encounter; it meant “How far will this lead, and is the time of the month correct?” This applies to you both. Ruburt desperately wanted you to cherish him as a woman, to play and flirt with him. He wanted you to show even innocent animal affection. At the same time however, implied in any such touches, in his mind also was the question “How far will this go?”

He did it precisely for that reason, although he was not consciously aware that he was trying to bring the problem out into the open. You distrusted spontaneous relations most of all, for those were the ones most likely (laugh) to produce the feared results. Therefore when you had relations you nicely and symbolically, with beautiful unconscious irony, made sure that they happened when you wanted them least, either on a scheduled basis or when one or you was tired, or when there was every good possibility to believe that you might be interrupted.

Now you feel more actively threatened when the two of you reach the opposite end of closeness and contact, where you feel that despite all your precautions pregnancy might result. You withdraw emotionally, and it is at this point that Ruburt then begins his reactions. Precisely at the point where he feels pressed enough to practically and symbolically invade your working studio with intimacy in mind, and spontaneous intimacy at that—that is the point that you quickly begin an emotional and physical retreat.

What I want you to understand is that all of these stresses come about as you learn how to handle the situations that are always under the auspices of your main purposes. There is an old verse, which you need not copy down: “There was a little girl who had a little curl in the middle of her forehead,” etc.

(“He can always work back here in the studio on mornings and all day Fridays. I’ve told him that many times.” I work all day Friday at Artistic.)

The secrecy also enables him to retreat in anger from you to some extent under the conditions mentioned earlier, and also has much to do with all of this brooding in secret. When he feels closed off from you it is then that he keeps important matters to himself. Because he is talkative this escapes your notice, but he often uses talk as a shield.

I will tell you another of his secrets. In the past, though he knew that he exaggerated, when his legs were bothering him he automatically looked for the nearest available parking place when you were driving. He would never ask you to park close to your destination. He felt it a sign of weakness on his part to even think of it, yet he also felt that on occasion you showed an annoying lack of sympathy or understanding, and at his worst moments he would feel that you purposely chose a place further away—that it was for his own good, you thought, that he face the humiliation in realizing in what poor condition he was. This would automatically cause all kinds of symptoms, needless to say.

He did not feel you sympathized with him at all on a physical level, and he felt that his and your attitudes of dealing with the whole matter mentally through suggestion, was a way of further implementing the difficulty—the physical divorce.

Symbolically you also compared that spontaneous flow with semen, creative abilities, and were jealous of it getting away from you. Ruburt was aware of this on one level. He also felt that this was the main reason why you had nothing to do with class, refused even once to attend it. You felt it was depriving you, not only of, say, a private session if Ruburt did not hold the following regular one; you also felt that the sexual activity you were not getting from Ruburt was being channeled instead psychically where you were getting no benefit. To use this energy in private sessions was all right because it was a joint performance, a private one, and you both directly benefited.

Weekend mornings you are here to observe. Then to top it off, following his subconscious reasoning here, for he has scarcely been aware of this, you would not only observe him, but to his way of thinking, force him to make a public spectacle of his condition. He went through all kinds of pretenses, smiling when he tried to go down the stairs, trying to tell himself that it did not hurt, and far too upset to make use of the unending line of positive suggestions he tried frantically to give himself.

The spontaneity of action as a result however was extremely difficult. The energy has been blocked. You saw it briefly in his fit of anger. Because of your past-life connections—and I will see to it that you get this material—he chose to put all his eggs in one basket, so to speak, as you did. But he also chose to divest himself of any distracting family references in later life, as far as his own parents were concerned.

There were not even two sexes in Ruburt’s early household. Neither of you then had ordinary sexual family patterns that you would seek to emulate, or that would be deeply ingrained—all in line with what you had chosen.

(“They are... Let us go over this material, and then we’ll ask questions from there. I’m tickled to death to get all the information.”)