“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

You, being a male, he felt, would be most alarmed at any undue emotionalisms. This aside from your own reaction to your mother’s emotionalism. So there was a good division set up between his intellectual-respectable-to-him masculine aspects, and his intuitive, feminine, private aspects.

The psychic work meant that these would be united. There was strain, as could have been expected. Intuitively and as a woman he would naturally have longer hair, wear earrings and jangly jewelry, which fits the inner feminine image, and also the inner mystical, psychic image of the seeress, the prophetess, and in your own relationship, the mistress.

He was afraid that as once he felt he dragged you all over the country, you would fear that he was now dragging you all over the inner universe. The symptoms have therefore been an attempt to equalize an inner situation. Now, they have grown less as he understood the inner situation.

The male characteristics he always thought of as stabilizing. The intellect and the tailored clothes went together. The quick motions were always associated with inner intuitive feminine abilities. The symptoms have in part been meant to reassure you that you need not be afraid that he would be driven by his impulses. In the beginning of the psychic work you were concerned at spontaneous sessions, and while you were highly intrigued by the developments. There was one situation in particular that frightened you both—the time that Ruburt ended up on the floor when he picked up the information from your neighbor, Barbara.

You gave him quite a lecture, but it was nothing like the lecture he gave himself, and it rearoused old fears of giving in spontaneously to impressions or psychic data. He considered this dangerous. He began to watch out that such episodes would nor reoccur, and this was reflected in muscular tenseness.

You had used creative abilities often in the past. This time you had several problems, both of you, to deal with. If the psychic abilities showed themselves, then this would be your last reincarnation. If not then there would have been others, and you knew this.

The relative (underline that twice) exile of Ruburt’s symbolically feminine characteristics is something that neither of you consciously realized. You did this to assure yourselves that these abilities, feminine in both of your minds, would not so get the upper hand that the responsible, and in both of your minds, masculine or dependable aspects of your life would be threatened.

All of the time of course these feminine aspects were being used as the intuitive, mystical thresholds of psychic activity. I told you once that Ruburt would not have allowed a feminine counterpart of myself to speak, but neither would you have. You would have been afraid of the “unpredictable” in quotes feminine aspects.

Now all of this is highly important. To some extent it was inevitable, considering your backgrounds. The feminine aspects in any case, culturally speaking, were being denied since you did not want children. Reincarnationally this you set ahead of time. If the psychic developments that represented your greatest fulfillment, with all their ramifications in your art and life, had not occurred, then you would have had two children, and continued a reincarnational cycle. There are other aspects here, in that in your last reincarnational life you had somewhat greater freedom within the sexual framework. You can come closer to the ideal identity that gives greater rein within one individual to both male and female characteristics.

Now that is the main reason why you have not tried to make a living as an artist per se. You have been convinced that it would never work. Even as you could not imagine depending upon your mother for a livelihood.

Now rest your fingers. I will leave Ruburt as he is. I would have him let this one in.

In your relationship as a couple then you set up a framework in which freedoms allowed to one were compensated until certain adjustments were made. The creative aspects were given so much leeway, until out of fear one of you applied restraints of a restrictive nature. The painting to you had such strongly feminine connotations that subconsciously you felt your studio was like a womb, out of which the paintings were produced. You felt that this had some (underlined) terrifying implications, many of them threatening your sense of masculinity since, because of your misconceptions you were convinced ahead of time that they would never be used as a means of livelihood.

In withholding his periods he also felt he lessened the pressure upon you, for he gave up the biological badge of femininity, and was saying “You will never have to have a full-time job to support a child.” He knew full well that you didn’t feel you would ever make a living as a fine artist.