“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

You, being a male, he felt, would be most alarmed at any undue emotionalisms. This aside from your own reaction to your mother’s emotionalism. So there was a good division set up between his intellectual-respectable-to-him masculine aspects, and his intuitive, feminine, private aspects.

He was afraid that as once he felt he dragged you all over the country, you would fear that he was now dragging you all over the inner universe. The symptoms have therefore been an attempt to equalize an inner situation. Now, they have grown less as he understood the inner situation.

In your mind making money is a male characteristic, and subconsciously a male prerogative. The fact that you painted and it did not seem to bring you money served further to make you distrust these creative abilities. You identified them to some extent with your mother, the first female of course in your background. She was unpredictable, and so you felt you could not depend upon your art, nor count upon it as a man. (Much louder.)

Now commercial work and the comics meant something else again. It was not fine art but directed outward in obvious fashions in an aggressive sort of thrust, with a particular market in mind, and therefore to you had a masculine quality. You were perfectly free to support yourself in your early years in that way, and your energy was released because in that regard you felt free to use it. When the natural freely creative energies were aroused in you, you instantly dispensed with all ideas of a commercial market, and completely divorced the idea of painting from selling for the reasons given.

You could see Ruburt’s errors in this respect to some extent, but you could not see your own. Your feelings then helped feed Ruburt’s own misconceptions. You also felt safe when he did not move so fast, when his slower mobility seemed to denote greater deliberation, when in other words he did not let himself go.

In your relationship as a couple then you set up a framework in which freedoms allowed to one were compensated until certain adjustments were made. The creative aspects were given so much leeway, until out of fear one of you applied restraints of a restrictive nature. The painting to you had such strongly feminine connotations that subconsciously you felt your studio was like a womb, out of which the paintings were produced. You felt that this had some (underlined) terrifying implications, many of them threatening your sense of masculinity since, because of your misconceptions you were convinced ahead of time that they would never be used as a means of livelihood.

Ruburt on the other hand felt he could use psychic books as a means of livelihood, for in the books at least he felt the masculine and female tendencies merge; the intellect making use of the intuitive information.

In withholding his periods he also felt he lessened the pressure upon you, for he gave up the biological badge of femininity, and was saying “You will never have to have a full-time job to support a child.” He knew full well that you didn’t feel you would ever make a living as a fine artist.

(I pointed to a painting I had just finished, of a male looking up and to my left. It had a strong appeal for me, and was almost a monochrome, done in blues and greens. I felt it had some sort of reincarnational meaning for me, but hadn’t yet got around to using the pendulum to see what I could find out on my own.

(I shook my head no. Actually I had several about the new painting, but my writing hand was so cramped I felt I wouldn’t be able to continue using it much longer.)