“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Any push toward success became a threat to your virility; a push from a woman became to you a double threat to your virility. You felt as if she threatened to castrate you. Ruburt has been aware of this. This is one of the main reasons that he suffers from strong feelings of disloyalty whenever he allows himself to wish that you were more successful in your work, artistically or financially.

He fears that you will interpret this as a threat of castration. Because of his own background you knew that he would not push you in this respect. He has an innate talent for making money, that has not been developed nor used for these reasons; and all suggestions made by him to you have been regarded by you as threats, and he felt that the suggestions were mistakes on his part. (One minute please.)

The overall self chose the background. Now. Ruburt has always been primarily driven by a desire to write successfully. His mother encouraged the writing. At the same time he felt guilty that he was free and the mother was not, and he blamed himself to some degree for her situation. The mother did blame the child in this respect.

The mother wanted success for the child, and yet Ruburt felt (pause) that success would also be resented by the mother, that the mother would be jealous of it. The mother wanted success for the daughter so that the daughter could share the fruits of the success and provide for her. While Ruburt had no money there was no fear of this.

You both became involved in the psychic work. He felt therefore that you would feel his success was yours also. He thought at that time that you were simply jealous of him. Your reaction to the ESP book quite literally terrified him. He then realized that you did not want either of you to be successful.

Some was, but when it became conscious he became panic-stricken. His drive toward success had been quickened by its taste, however. He wanted more. He felt hampered by you. At the same time he felt the need to contribute financially, and he felt that you were tying his hands by forcing him to make money in ways in which he was not particularly equipped to do so, while forbidding him to be a success with books.

The dream book was an attempt to try again, a desperate attempt for independence on his part to succeed in spite of the negative influences. (Pause.) He felt that you rejected it as a whole, and completely. His impatience and panic did impede his judgment, causing him to send it out too early, and for this he blamed you.

His symptoms represented his problem. He felt literally paralyzed, and unable to move. Now he can move, but he still cannot run, you see. He moves much better. He is partially released but far from fully.

At the crisis point you were both alienated. He was completely bewildered. He was doing what he felt you wanted him to do, yet the results displeased you, and he felt you found him physically repulsive. In desperation you both began to question inner attitudes, and you then broke the ice with a pendulum session. (See the 350th Session.)

(I now remembered father’s caps, once Seth mentioned them. But I felt somewhat in a dilemma, since father also wears regular hats.)