“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Anger that your art did not bring you more money. You felt that if your hand were surer you would be better recompensed. You were angry at your talent, wishing it were one that was more quickly recognized in financial terms in your society.

The attitude itself helps cause that reality, to which you then react. When you were attempting to take your father’s place, you used your talent as your mother wanted you to. She had no use for your father’s talent of inventiveness, because he did not use it to make money.

You were guiltily aware of this, and punish yourself by refusing to allow yourself to make money with good paintings now. This is that key to understanding, Joseph.

(Long pause, eyes closed.) This session itself should aid your understanding enough to allow some improvement almost immediately in the condition itself. Two issues are involved. The painting was an act of defiance against your mother, an act of independence. She approved of the commercial art because it made money. Therefore if you made money through your paintings, then subconsciously you thought that your mother would still be getting her way. You see?

Not allowing yourself to make money through paintings also allowed you to punish yourself for what you considered this act of defiance. Two purposes in the main were served. This also affected your work itself to some degree, in that you sometimes inserted qualities in the paintings to hold people off, a remoteness.

Commercial work also still rankles. Beside other considerations you feel, subconsciously again, that you still serve your mother’s purposes: art for money, and that therefore your initial act of defiance and independence is not complete.

You therefore believed all emotionalism to be of this nature. Ruburt was of great benefit to you here. In the beginning feeling and emotion sparked or initiated your paintings, but you worked it out of them to some considerable degree, not trusting it, and therefore not trusting the particular painting. So you did not feel justified in accepting money or payment for it.