“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(This session is not included in the records since it deals with personal material. I asked for it this evening because Jane was not feeling well, and indeed had seemed to decline since the New York trip in August.

(See the deleted session for November 26, 1972, in Volume 2 of these personal sessions)

What we have here is a deep struggle between various needs, a struggle between various portions of the personality, each with their own demands and interpretations of reality.

There is one part of the self, confident, assured of its abilities, and somewhat demanding, rather powerful. It has to this point driven the personality onward despite all obstacles. It never admitted the possibility of failure, but only worked toward success.

Now, to the other portion of the personality however, success was failure. This part of the personality remained relatively quiet until the other portion began to achieve its ends. This portion considered itself not only unworthy but evil. It (The “sinful self” May 10, 1982) is basically an overgrown and almost cancerous super-conscience that applied brakes in the past to some extent, and now has largely taken over.

It believes it works for the good. It mistrusts all spontaneity. It believes the personality must be toned down, held in bonds, slowed down, or else the wrath of God will descend upon it. It is not rational.

The spontaneous ran out of control. This has something to do with the mother’s talking to the child about the father. He was uncontrolled— uncontrollable, lax, slow, and yet evil. The father had money and was evil. The poor were virtuous and on the side of God. The rich would never attain heaven. This is Ruburt’s penance, you see, put upon him by this other part of his personality. If he succeeds he must pay, for if he does not pay, if he does not willingly submit to his own punishment, then there is eternal damnation.

If this were the whole personality this would be no problem. He would avoid success like a plague. He would have been successful long before this. However the other portion of the personality is spontaneous, highly gifted, creative, intuitive, and loves luxury. This last being deeply hidden from the conscious personality.

He has no use for women, and women are not supposed to succeed. I am legitimate. His needs and personality were the reason, however, that he could communicate with me. He would never have communicated with, say, any female counterpart of me. I have literally held his personality together for some time, in relative balance. He has never been mentally unbalanced, and he has avoided this and any deep emotional difficulty. The physical illness, however, has taken their place. All in all, a much safer arrangement.

The difficulties began with the selling of the first paperback and were accentuated later. The development of abilities and the ESP book represented an effort by the spontaneous self to express itself, for this other portion of the personality was ready then to take over, and it then retaliated with the beginning of symptoms.

The New York trip frightened him by its success. He felt he needed the punishment of the program (Alan Burke, TV), and you helped him avoid it. One remark or circumstance will be a cue to one or the other portions of the personality, which will then take over. He will be free or constrained, you see, until the next trigger point is given.

The material is coming through simply because he is desperate. Both portions of the personality are frightened. One portion fears success is coming regardless of all its attempts to hold it back. The other fears that it is being restrained despite all efforts to escape. The body is the warring point, and it is itself now fatigued.

Now. At times the personality has reconciled these elements and served to express them both. The High-Low book of poetry as contrasted to perhaps the idiot poems will explain what I mean.

Success, tied in with psychic work, can represent his main hope, and perhaps the one main door through which the whole personality can emerge united and intact.

It is a relatively new idea to the overconscientious self, that the spontaneous self is good and a part of the god self. When this is completely seen there will be an integration of personality that will result in powerful work, and a definite unchallenged success.