“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

The spontaneous ran out of control. This has something to do with the mother’s talking to the child about the father. He was uncontrolled— uncontrollable, lax, slow, and yet evil. The father had money and was evil. The poor were virtuous and on the side of God. The rich would never attain heaven. This is Ruburt’s penance, you see, put upon him by this other part of his personality. If he succeeds he must pay, for if he does not pay, if he does not willingly submit to his own punishment, then there is eternal damnation.

For every act he considers uncharitable or sarcastic he must pay. The Harriet poem: for that you see he believes he must pay. The irony of course is carefully chosen— that he choose those symptoms that reminds him of his mother. For she flaunted the neighborhood and the Irish background physically in her youth, and paid, and Ruburt fought it intellectually, and feels he must pay.

The Crowders representing money, you see, appall him. He expects the wrath of God to fall upon them at any time. He hates them because he considers them evil because they are wealthy. The old car (our Ford) is a badge of virtue to Ruburt since it is old and decrepit. It is a sign of safety.

Ruburt’s student Venice must have her weight, or she fears destruction. Ruburt must have his failure, and relative poverty, or he fears destruction.

If this were the whole personality this would be no problem. He would avoid success like a plague. He would have been successful long before this. However the other portion of the personality is spontaneous, highly gifted, creative, intuitive, and loves luxury. This last being deeply hidden from the conscious personality.

Scrounging about, taking secondhand items, allows him to accumulate some extras with impunity, because they are not new. He is deeply afraid of finishing his book for fear it will sell. He sends out messages pressing for the success of his original book, and sends out equally strong ones urging that it not be accepted, that it is not a huge success. This is the original book. (The ESP book.)

He fears destruction in the terms of being a complete cripple. To avoid this he adopts the symptoms, hoping to cheat his idea of the gods, or fate. To have the disease, or punishment, and still not have it, to satisfy both demands.

The New York trip (in August), his response to it, was largely responsible for the setback. He believes also that he must therefore accept any disability and discomfort because it is just punishment. The other portion rises up in arms and forces him to demand success.

When you did not expect success, really, then you did not threaten him. Now you expect success, and he feels even beforehand an added threat. Then he will have to suffer for you both, he feels.

Running is symbolic. He could run, his mother could not. She was evil. But if he is successful, then he believes he will be successful when he does not deserve it. Therefore evil also, and so he shall not run; running being symbolic of spontaneity. If he gives himself emotional and psychic freedom, then to compensate he will deny himself physical freedom. I have been a safeguard, for I was between him and complete spontaneity, you see.

I was enough like his Father Traynor to be safe, and without me his psychic abilities would not have matured at all. I will not be dispensed with. He cannot afford it. Also I am legitimate enough and independent enough in my own right.

He has no use for women, and women are not supposed to succeed. I am legitimate. His needs and personality were the reason, however, that he could communicate with me. He would never have communicated with, say, any female counterpart of me. I have literally held his personality together for some time, in relative balance. He has never been mentally unbalanced, and he has avoided this and any deep emotional difficulty. The physical illness, however, has taken their place. All in all, a much safer arrangement.

When this portion is operating he does not dare enjoy the pleasures of love. No one in his neighborhood did, you see. (Pause.) He denies himself then out of fear. When he succeeds he punishes himself. When he fails the other, spontaneous, self rises up in arms. The two warring factions have been beating him apart.

Now. Ruburt’s early mystic life was also bound up with priests who were males, with whom one could not have any sexual relationship. He is now bound up with you in these endeavors. While he is so confused, then sexual relationship with you also becomes evil. He also felt compelled to follow the advice of the priests whether or not he agreed with it. This led to his passivity as far as you were concerned. If you were jealous of his success, he should not have it, and it must be plucked out.

The New York trip frightened him by its success. He felt he needed the punishment of the program (Alan Burke, TV), and you helped him avoid it. One remark or circumstance will be a cue to one or the other portions of the personality, which will then take over. He will be free or constrained, you see, until the next trigger point is given.

His mother’s letter (received last week, and containing an old picture of her), followed by the weekend visit (with the Crowders and my parents), was the trigger point this time. He is still at the point where he must be saint or devil. He has had difficulties on Fridays because he eats meat on Fridays, and difficulties Sunday because he does not go to church.

He is afraid of the bed and the bedroom. (Pause.) He fears he will die in his sleep and face eternal damnation. There are no windows to escape through, he feels, no available roof. (Pause.) He feels freer under all circumstances in this room (the living room) because he could run out onto the roof.

The physical symptoms therefore frighten him severely in that he does not run. He thinks you do not want him to talk about his past because you are ashamed of it. Take your break. (9:58.)

The material is coming through simply because he is desperate. Both portions of the personality are frightened. One portion fears success is coming regardless of all its attempts to hold it back. The other fears that it is being restrained despite all efforts to escape. The body is the warring point, and it is itself now fatigued.

(“Can he work along and finish the Dream book?”)

He is exhausted, and in a deeper trance than usual.

Both. Particularly on his own. The Father Ryan influence—and he also had back trouble. Father Doren was seen as a spontaneous but evil man. Father Ryan was seen as rigid and uncompromising, but good. Father Ryan gave Ruburt his first typewriter, and desk, and bed. Now do you see those connections?

He has blocked many of them. Clues were there.