“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

He felt, as a child now, that he had no rights. Nothing was his by rights. Anything could be taken from him at any time. While he lived in one house, still the home itself was always in jeopardy. His mother frequently told him that she would keep him only if he was good, that only Marie’s good graces kept the child from going to an asylum. The mother’s affections were not the child’s by right, but dependent upon how well the child cared or performed.

This explains much of his behavior in terms of spending money at the store, and so forth. (Pause.) Give us time… He did not feel that any love was his by right, yours or anyone else’s: therefore he did not feel worthy of it, and in the face of any difficulty between you he suspected it, thought then that you no longer loved him.

The backed-up feelings helped bring about the rigidity over a period of time. He was operating to a large degree according to the code long set down by his grandfather: be quiet, do not argue, be aloof, and above all never raise your voice.

As mentioned earlier in other sessions he felt, erroneously, for some time that your love for him depended upon his performance as a writer and in sessions, since it could not be his by right. He had to test the love therefore by skipping sessions to see if you still loved him. If you objected it meant you did not.

Ruburt hoped they would bring the two of you closer together after your illness. Instead he feared that they drove you farther apart, in that he feared you would use them to spend time away from him rather than with him, and in that he did not feel able to express his own ambiguous feelings—the ideas of performance entering in here.

Though this was true, the writing self for the first time began to question itself, its achievements, and the new field it had entered. It had never questioned itself before. This brought forth some conflicts, for the writing self had been Ruburt’s justification of your love. He had a right to it because he was a writer, not because he was himself.

There was also the idea of channeling that energy into our sessions, this of course at a deeply unconscious level. Instead he felt that you latched upon the sessions so that they came before he did personally—that you demanded performance there in sessions, while not in bed. In an odd way he felt that you used them against him, in other words—this during the time of tests, in that area.

He did not feel they had served that particular purpose, yet he felt the sessions too legitimate to drop then, and the psychic work too fascinating to disown. They seemed not to have brought you closer together however, to him. Precisely at the time the strong symptoms began, the ESP book was slated for publication. You had received the cover, and the writing self was facing its own conflicts also: was the psychic work its natural fulfillment, or a disastrous side trip? The two of you were not communicating well. He did not feel you were proud enough of that book. He was afraid it did not justify your love. His symptoms then began.

Now you were drawn to him because you sensed precisely that deep love of his, and needed it to add to your own vitality and substance. If you were ever tempted, particularly in earlier times, to isolate yourself to an unhealthy degree, Ruburt was precisely your insurance. You counted on him to call you back, to insist. You counted on that remedy. He was also your own insurance against being swallowed by your own parents, and he saved you from that possibility, which was present.

You knew he would not allow it, while you gave yourself time to grow in understanding. Otherwise you might well have continued your earlier performance, and moved in with your parents, to bail out your younger brother in a situation which would have then been present.

Now this early summer he improved, and to a large degree, for several reasons. His defiance was finally aroused, a sense of personal worth rushed to the surface, a sense of independence, the feeling “Well if you wanted to leave him go ahead,” all of which released some pressure. Besides this during your vacation you spent a lot of time and attention on him.

Several such freely entered encounters will show him practically the difference between your meaning and his interpretation. You are not to watch yourself, in other words. You should both take some time each day to freely discuss whatever personal issues are involved, to express your selves personally to each other on whatever issues you want.

For now, I recommend a definite certain amount of time on a regular basis. I cannot recommend this too strongly. Later you will not need the time, per se. Communication will flow freely, but now you need it.

Some of the material given tonight has been buried. Ruburt did not want to face it. Have him read the session several times.

Now if you want results follow the suggestions. You may end the session, ask questions, or if you prefer list any questions you have between the session and the next, to give you time to think.