“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Now. There are some further points, unrecognized items that we have not touched upon. They are fairly important and play their part in Ruburt’s attitudes. I am pointing out patterns, now, that he has not recognized.

Only poetry seemed Ruburt’s by right. In the convent home, as you know, letters were censored, and only positive statements got through the censor. The child feared punishment there by giving voice to any complaint. Ruburt grew up then without daring to ask for anything. Welfare, who gave, always threatened to take away. They were a threat as well as a sustenance. The college scholarship was not Ruburt’s by right, but could also be taken away.

To voice any dissatisfaction to you verbally was highly difficult, for you could then take away your love and affection, as his mother did, for she would not stand, in Ruburt’s eyes, for such voiced aggression. He had to be quiet therefore to preserve your love.

Ruburt hoped they would bring the two of you closer together after your illness. Instead he feared that they drove you farther apart, in that he feared you would use them to spend time away from him rather than with him, and in that he did not feel able to express his own ambiguous feelings—the ideas of performance entering in here.

Ruburt’s sense of worth came from his writing self. There he felt on firm ground. It carried him through all of his early years, this belief in the writing self that automatically justified his existence and more (underlined) than made up for any other lacks, he felt. It made him then superior, and effectively hid the other sense of worthlessness.

Though this was true, the writing self for the first time began to question itself, its achievements, and the new field it had entered. It had never questioned itself before. This brought forth some conflicts, for the writing self had been Ruburt’s justification of your love. He had a right to it because he was a writer, not because he was himself.

The writing self knew it needed something to write about, and greater maturity if it were to fulfill its abilities, and here again the psychic development fulfilled a need. The writing self was led to examine its own substance; since Ruburt felt your love was dependent on the outcome, this brought about certain difficulties.

Now you were drawn to him because you sensed precisely that deep love of his, and needed it to add to your own vitality and substance. If you were ever tempted, particularly in earlier times, to isolate yourself to an unhealthy degree, Ruburt was precisely your insurance. You counted on him to call you back, to insist. You counted on that remedy. He was also your own insurance against being swallowed by your own parents, and he saved you from that possibility, which was present.

When Ruburt felt his other efforts did not insure what he wanted, he became highly frustrated and frightened. He alternately retreated from you in hurt bewilderment, railed at you silently, and still felt that what he wanted was not in your nature to give, and for that reason also he had no right to ask it.

Basic communication has been difficult. This means you should try better to communicate your thoughts and feelings. You, then, say what naturally comes to mind, and encourage Ruburt to make any questions or comments. Feel free to say what is on your mind; again, discuss Ruburt’s interpretation.

Your afternoon activities today are but a hint of natural communications that you have both let lag. As you both ascertained, this is an excellent method. For one thing the activity engages body, mind and spirit in joyful pursuit. Spontaneity is encouraged. Physically, hormones and chemicals are brought into activity that are otherwise sluggish. It is not your role, necessarily, to make up for the love Ruburt did not have as a child, yet bodily caresses and fond verbal endearments provide him with exactly the kind of soothing assuring elements that he needs, and that will result in health improvement.

Aside from this your own vitality will also be improved, and the situation with the penis relieved. Physical intercourse may or may not take place according to your moods, but the physical endearments and the feelings of closeness, being cherished and assured are definitely important on Ruburt’s part.

Some of the material given tonight has been buried. Ruburt did not want to face it. Have him read the session several times.