“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

They exerted force because he was not consciously aware of them, nor ready to face them in those terms. Some of this will go a good way in explaining portions of his behavior. If you have questions ask when I have finished.

He felt, as a child now, that he had no rights. Nothing was his by rights. Anything could be taken from him at any time. While he lived in one house, still the home itself was always in jeopardy. His mother frequently told him that she would keep him only if he was good, that only Marie’s good graces kept the child from going to an asylum. The mother’s affections were not the child’s by right, but dependent upon how well the child cared or performed.

This explains much of his behavior in terms of spending money at the store, and so forth. (Pause.) Give us time… He did not feel that any love was his by right, yours or anyone else’s: therefore he did not feel worthy of it, and in the face of any difficulty between you he suspected it, thought then that you no longer loved him.

To voice any dissatisfaction to you verbally was highly difficult, for you could then take away your love and affection, as his mother did, for she would not stand, in Ruburt’s eyes, for such voiced aggression. He had to be quiet therefore to preserve your love.

The backed-up feelings helped bring about the rigidity over a period of time. He was operating to a large degree according to the code long set down by his grandfather: be quiet, do not argue, be aloof, and above all never raise your voice.

As mentioned earlier in other sessions he felt, erroneously, for some time that your love for him depended upon his performance as a writer and in sessions, since it could not be his by right. He had to test the love therefore by skipping sessions to see if you still loved him. If you objected it meant you did not.

The symptoms also served to punish you for making him go to such extremes, because physically they obviously hampered the expression of that love. He is possessive and jealous, and gave you his entire loyalty. He was afraid you would flee as your father fled. He would not (in quotes) “humiliate himself” to his way of thinking by crying after you, hammering at your door. He transferred the entire dilemma to the physical realm.

Now part of this was quite unrealistic, based on old ideas of his, part of it from the interaction of your natures. Our sessions are extremely legitimate, from what you would call a psychic viewpoint—you are reaching dimensions very seldom reached. They also served psychological purposes of course.

Ruburt hoped they would bring the two of you closer together after your illness. Instead he feared that they drove you farther apart, in that he feared you would use them to spend time away from him rather than with him, and in that he did not feel able to express his own ambiguous feelings—the ideas of performance entering in here.

On one level then the sessions were an attempt to retain your love and give him a right to it. Hence his later feelings that you loved him only for the sessions carried a certain charge. Now this is one of the most important sessions you have been given on your own affairs. I suggest a break. He would quite literally do anything to retain your love—hence his feelings sometimes that you sent him out on this psychic pilgrimage. This feeling however, having its roots in “lack of rights” and his alliance with you, also provides him with the unity upon which his life is based: the poetry, the psychic work, and yourself. A trio, you see.

Ruburt’s sense of worth came from his writing self. There he felt on firm ground. It carried him through all of his early years, this belief in the writing self that automatically justified his existence and more (underlined) than made up for any other lacks, he felt. It made him then superior, and effectively hid the other sense of worthlessness.

He was afraid shortly before our sessions began that you had largely lost your love for him, and he began frantically to initiate methods of insuring it. The sessions were on the one hand a gift to you, by which means your health could be restored. He felt your physical withdrawal strongly during your illness previously, felt on several occasions physically attracted to other men, and became terrified. Walt did not want him physically, but he did not love Walt. He feared you were turning away from him in those terms. He was frightened that his sexual appetite would attract him to others and betray him, so he closed the door on it as best he could.

He did not feel they had served that particular purpose, yet he felt the sessions too legitimate to drop then, and the psychic work too fascinating to disown. They seemed not to have brought you closer together however, to him. Precisely at the time the strong symptoms began, the ESP book was slated for publication. You had received the cover, and the writing self was facing its own conflicts also: was the psychic work its natural fulfillment, or a disastrous side trip? The two of you were not communicating well. He did not feel you were proud enough of that book. He was afraid it did not justify your love. His symptoms then began.

Now you were drawn to him because you sensed precisely that deep love of his, and needed it to add to your own vitality and substance. If you were ever tempted, particularly in earlier times, to isolate yourself to an unhealthy degree, Ruburt was precisely your insurance. You counted on him to call you back, to insist. You counted on that remedy. He was also your own insurance against being swallowed by your own parents, and he saved you from that possibility, which was present.

When Ruburt felt his other efforts did not insure what he wanted, he became highly frustrated and frightened. He alternately retreated from you in hurt bewilderment, railed at you silently, and still felt that what he wanted was not in your nature to give, and for that reason also he had no right to ask it.

Now this early summer he improved, and to a large degree, for several reasons. His defiance was finally aroused, a sense of personal worth rushed to the surface, a sense of independence, the feeling “Well if you wanted to leave him go ahead,” all of which released some pressure. Besides this during your vacation you spent a lot of time and attention on him.

You made love frequently, and began an open communication area. The night of the Milligan party he did very well. You spoke some words to him, mentioning that his performance still needed much more progress. Unfortunately he took this to mean that you did not appreciate his efforts, did not love him, and cautioned him that he had better not give up those symptoms yet.

Several such freely entered encounters will show him practically the difference between your meaning and his interpretation. You are not to watch yourself, in other words. You should both take some time each day to freely discuss whatever personal issues are involved, to express your selves personally to each other on whatever issues you want.

You may find his moods quickly changing under such circumstances. This should be encouraged. Physically your touches activate portions of the body that have collected various feelings. Touching the physical portions help release the feelings.

You can woo him back to health. It may seem that you need not do this—that he should do it alone, but because your relationship is so involved this is by far the procedure that will rouse his own desire for health. Do you follow me?