“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

In the initial stages of Ruburt’s withdrawals, the exaggerated chatter also served to fool him, you see, as well as others. He would become all the more animated. He recognized some of these characteristics in your Jesuit friend. (Bill Gallagher.) They frightened him and were at least somewhat responsible in helping shake him loose. (Last week.) Do you follow me?

To ask you for help therefore was to put himself in the position of his mother, and plead helplessness. This has been mentioned before but it is a good point, that retaliation against his mother was felt to be impossible, for she would then have an attack for which Ruburt felt responsible. This brought on greater feelings of guilt over any protest.

Ruburt’s deep love for you shocked him out of that pattern for some time, but he also idealized you to such an extent that some difficulties were bound to arise. Behind any ordinary disagreement you might voice, any normal protest, he felt there was a great charge. He was so afraid to voice protest himself that he felt you must be driven by great inner forces before you would dare voice any protest to him.

He thought you discouraged deep conversation unless there was some crisis that brought about a confrontation. He could not admit his fears to himself nor share them with you. He completely lacks the ability to discuss normal fears and worries in any kind of neighborhood contact—with girl friends. The fears finally became so charged that all normal discussion was out of the question. He used ideas of positive thinking to squash the fears down more securely. Their charge was so strong that he felt you were as frightened of them as he was, and therefore to discuss them would threaten you also.

He greatly exaggerated their power, you see, in that regard. He then projected many of these attitudes upon you. If he accused himself then he would see accusation in your remarks or attitudes toward him.

He could not give himself well in your personal intimate relations because it was with you most of all that he had to watch his expression. The fears had to be kept away from you or the game was up. He could not afford then to let go. He thinks fears are an admission of helplessness, that you always wanted someone who was free and independent, and that you would have no use for anyone in that position.

(10:05. Jane said she was out “pretty good.” She said Seth must have her out good in order to get this material out, or she would break right out in the middle of the session. I also thought I had detected an emotional charge in her voice while she was in trance—something which is very unusual, etc.

The grandfather would not even discuss his own wife with Ruburt, or any personal matters. A turned-in reticence.

It was the only thing that set him apart under welfare conditions, the mark of distinction that got him to college by the skin of his teeth, and it was, he felt, what made you love him. Therefore if you had criticisms about his work, if you did not like it, you would not love him.

All of this has been unconscious on his part. He has not been that aware of it. He felt then that he had no one to turn to or to help him. He was also afraid that his fears about physical reality now and in the future were so drastic that you would also be terrified, and that together you could not solve the problems. He was terrified of doing anything that might make you ill, and determined to bear any worries or problems alone.

He keeps minute by minute count of you when you are working—all unaware, yet he makes it a point not to ask you about your painting a good deal of the time. To show concern you see to his way of thinking would be to admit, even briefly, he has any fears at all regarding your work. The charge had so built up that if you had one bad afternoon painting, he saw this as a sign of complete failure on your part; and he did the same with his own work.

The physical effects in Saratoga at your last trip (summer 1970) were caused by guilt, Ruburt feeling that he was so close and would not visit his mother. Now take your break. One point: These attitudes and feelings must not remain simply a part of a session. They must be discussed by both of you with emotional interplay allowed for, emotional release.

To give expression to a need for help, or to show a need for comfort would be seen as weaknesses in your eyes. You felt that other people were weak, indecisive, stupid, ridden by fears. This is his interpretation of your feelings. To admit a need for comfort or to admit fears would put him, in your eyes, in the same category as all these others.

We are going to end the session shortly. He feared he was going beyond your reach, and he could have in a very real manner. This idea alone terrified him. He feared that on your own you would not make the effort to pull him back, and yet he would not ask you to do so. To show that he still has some reachable foibles, you still aroused a spark of his old enthusiasm earlier this evening when you suggested that his place (our apartment) still did have possibilities if your eyes were opened to them. So pursue that.