“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(This is the regularly-scheduled session for January 20, 1971. It is deleted from the record. For the first time in several years, the session was held in our bedroom.)

When one fear seems to be handled in such a manner, after a week or so it should be looked at again. Less emotion should be felt at each time. The pattern of worrying over many trivial affairs, of constant brooding, has been a camouflage to hide the basic fears. Now as the fears are faced these other habits will dissolve.

Your discussion this evening, and events since our session have been to the point, and beneficial. Particularly your comments concerning Ruburt’s behavior with the first husband. When the two of you have had any personal difficulties then Ruburt became twice as angry and fearful about your parents. At one time he equated you with Walt in his dreams. The dreams were meant to show him he was repeating a pattern of behavior.

He is terrified of vulnerability because of his mother’s condition when he was a child. Many of his early poems clearly showed a desire to dissociate himself from the warm spontaneous self, and to hide in a nonfeeling uncaring safety. He envied you what he thought of as your coolness, and in trying to emulate it at times he only used it as an excuse to continue this old pattern of withdrawal.

Ruburt’s deep love for you shocked him out of that pattern for some time, but he also idealized you to such an extent that some difficulties were bound to arise. Behind any ordinary disagreement you might voice, any normal protest, he felt there was a great charge. He was so afraid to voice protest himself that he felt you must be driven by great inner forces before you would dare voice any protest to him.

He felt you were ashamed of his background and did not want him to discuss it. (Pause.) Give us time. (Pause.) When he goes to see your father he feels guilty because he is not seeing his mother, who is also in a home. He feels that your mother is gloating, having gotten rid of the father, and he is afraid of your family home for fear it might trap you both. He did not want any of your belongings or yours in it.

He keeps minute by minute count of you when you are working—all unaware, yet he makes it a point not to ask you about your painting a good deal of the time. To show concern you see to his way of thinking would be to admit, even briefly, he has any fears at all regarding your work. The charge had so built up that if you had one bad afternoon painting, he saw this as a sign of complete failure on your part; and he did the same with his own work.