“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Ruburt became frightened in the past, and long before our sessions. He had tried to dissociate himself from unpleasantness because he was surrounded by so much. He led a very active physical life however, and to some degree then could work off some of the emotional feelings that were repressed. He began in our work to become more aware of these feelings, and extremely frightened at expressing any of them, for many of the reasons given by me in the past.

Both of you however have a tendency to dig inward, and to concentrate upon negatives. Now if you were different kinds of people, you see, your own moods would fluctuate widely in the normal give and take with other individuals. You (to me) at your job are helped in that manner. Ruburt closed off even from you the expression of his fears; many quite normal fears, dangerous only because he considered them so.

An honest acceptance of the feelings is paramount. They must be accepted as real on their own terms. Then the way is cleared for the cycle to move. Resulting inhibited energy is then released. Now in the past Ruburt would brood over the feelings, leading him into a physical apathy. He was ashamed of the feelings. Both of you however still overemphasize the entire situation.

You do not see yourselves as human beings in a quite human environment, but against some perfect yardstick, and this applies for you (to me) also. Ruburt blooms like a flower in his classes simply because everyone thinks he is quite wonderful, and he responds.

(“Why doesn’t he think he’s wonderful himself?”)

He does have attitudes, as I told him last evening (mentally), that you had some ten years ago, setting up so strongly the idea of responsibility and lack of lifetime (physical time to live, etc.). That spontaneity became severely hampered. The brooding also involves your present situation, the two of you in it, and the future.

You rarely discussed together future plans. He took this to mean you had none. At times he simply wears his body out, and it requires additional rest, but he takes this as a sign of sloth and laziness. Some change within a stable framework is really your answer, with adequate and emotional communication.

Many of the fears have been trivial but he would not discuss them. One worry then would automatically be associated with a pile of other buried worries, and an ordinary unpleasant stimuli could evoke the whole works. A gray day becomes therefore a symbol that the sunny inner self is clouded, and he feared he could not change himself any more than he could the weather.

Above all, the fears could not be discussed with you, particularly if they seemed trivial. He never wanted you to equate him with your mother (I laughed here), and felt that a display of unpleasant emotions would only get your scorn.

(“Then why doesn’t he do it?”)

Ruburt became afraid that the thyroid condition would lead into erratic behavior, and after the Florida incident he slammed doors to expression down. Because he appeared so talkative, you did not recognize the point where he began to hide his fearful thought or feelings from you. This was during your illness when he felt they threatened you.

He felt then of course that erratic behavior was out of the question; and closing that door, he also closed the door largely to emotional expression. He watched his every word and action with you during your illness. The incident in Florida served to frighten him into that reaction.

The pattern had always included a strong tendency of withdrawal superimposed and enforced upon a very spontaneous self. As a child he closed off the expression of emotion from his mother out of fear, and when the fear element becomes strong as it did later for a different reason, with Walt, and much later for a far different reason with you, the pattern was reasserted.

When he felt unwanted, this was also his reaction. Initially there would be no outward change of behavior except for a compensatory additional noisiness of faked gaiety and singing. For some time the organism could take this, and as situations changed the spontaneous self would once again emerge. With a changing physical situation necessitating agile manipulation, the physical stimulations came so quickly that the pattern did not have a chance to jell. It did not become a normal pattern of behavior, but one that was now and then adopted.

When you were ill the incident rearoused his fears concerning his mother, you see. As he had watched her very mood, he watched yours, and for a short time he interpreted your actions in a very accusing light toward himself.

Now running away from problems, literally in space, had always been his answer to everything. One day he could run away from his mother, and he did. One day he could leave Walt, and he did. But he loved you deeply, and there was no place he could run to, nor from the problems presented by your parents.

Now he adjusted very well to these, but an inner portion of his self, you see, is thoroughly outraged, considering all parents enemies from whom one should and must legitimately run. Intellectually, he understood that changes had to be made in his attitude, and he tried to treat your family kindly, and consciously to make up to his mother by being nice to yours.

From that situation be could not or would not run, but in his mind he saw the two of you running free of all of them. He gave little expression to his feelings toward your mother, in a mad rush to get to the respectable and responsible attitude he thought he should have.

These issues are all important, since he could not run in space, and did not, when the pattern of withdrawal began, express his resentment; he still turns off the radio when you come into the room, for fear the noise, which to him will be interpreted by you as aggressive noisy feelings, will annoy you.

He adopted the symptoms partially out of example, both from his mother and from your own illness. He has made gains, but he had not made gains as far as fears were concerned at all. Some, with aggressions. He was not consciously aware enough of the fears, he had shoved them so far underground.

These recommendations will pay off. Understanding the pattern of behavior should allow Ruburt to take definite steps to alter it. He does not have to creep round the house to be quiet either, for example. Now take a moment and see what questions you have.

(“I was wondering about the feeling of hopelessness he gets.”)

When he feels that way he inhibits the feeling and does not admit it.

Having to do with his condition—that he will not get better, for example. But all of the feelings mentioned tonight, and the unexpressed fears, add up to a formless anxiety that can give him a feeling of hopelessness, and that is extremely important.

(“What happened a couple of months ago that touched off this current set of problems through his knees, so that he has trouble walking?”)

You understand from what I have said that a strong reaction can be felt from a seemingly insignificant issue. Understand also however that the opposite also holds. An excellent suggestion or emotion taking root, even though trivial, can have a far-reaching beneficial effect. In that case however he expected from the tour much better results. (To publicize Jane’s The Seth Material.)

After the tour, to his way of thinking, there was nothing. He was picked up by the tour and then dropped back. He felt as if Prentice had forgotten him, and that Tam was not interested in his dream book. The visits for example had ceased. He missed the New York calls and the conversation.

Tam, for example, is simply in a different position now, with more to do. He is confident Ruburt will produce a good book, and while busy attempts to keep in touch with him. He has written Ruburt for example more than Ruburt has written to him. But with Ruburt’s mind, it had to be more an all or nothing affair.