“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Ruburt became frightened in the past, and long before our sessions. He had tried to dissociate himself from unpleasantness because he was surrounded by so much. He led a very active physical life however, and to some degree then could work off some of the emotional feelings that were repressed. He began in our work to become more aware of these feelings, and extremely frightened at expressing any of them, for many of the reasons given by me in the past.

Both of you however have a tendency to dig inward, and to concentrate upon negatives. Now if you were different kinds of people, you see, your own moods would fluctuate widely in the normal give and take with other individuals. You (to me) at your job are helped in that manner. Ruburt closed off even from you the expression of his fears; many quite normal fears, dangerous only because he considered them so.

(I felt good when this session began, yet began to feel anger as it progressed. Part of this was probably defensive. I think also the anger partly stemmed from hearing the same things over again in some instances—that is, that we had made so little progress seemingly in dealing with vital points. But the expression of fears was very beneficial, we thought, and surprisingly this was new for both of us.

Ruburt became afraid that the thyroid condition would lead into erratic behavior, and after the Florida incident he slammed doors to expression down. Because he appeared so talkative, you did not recognize the point where he began to hide his fearful thought or feelings from you. This was during your illness when he felt they threatened you.

He felt then of course that erratic behavior was out of the question; and closing that door, he also closed the door largely to emotional expression. He watched his every word and action with you during your illness. The incident in Florida served to frighten him into that reaction.

The pattern had always included a strong tendency of withdrawal superimposed and enforced upon a very spontaneous self. As a child he closed off the expression of emotion from his mother out of fear, and when the fear element becomes strong as it did later for a different reason, with Walt, and much later for a far different reason with you, the pattern was reasserted.

From that situation be could not or would not run, but in his mind he saw the two of you running free of all of them. He gave little expression to his feelings toward your mother, in a mad rush to get to the respectable and responsible attitude he thought he should have.

These issues are all important, since he could not run in space, and did not, when the pattern of withdrawal began, express his resentment; he still turns off the radio when you come into the room, for fear the noise, which to him will be interpreted by you as aggressive noisy feelings, will annoy you.

The feeling then seems to be out of all proportion to whatever current event seems to have evoked it. The personality is then bewildered, feeling the weight of this as a pall. Reassurance should be given then that the fears can be expressed, and not judged intellectually. Often when Ruburt is alone the weight of these unexpressed fears is strongly upon him, then acting like a cloud that holds him down.