“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

He then reverted to the alternate pattern of behavior he learned early (in childhood) as a defense mechanism, withholding his feelings from his own conscious knowledge as well as hiding them from you. If he were aware of them and did not share them he would feel disloyal, so if her were not to burden you with them he also had to hide them from himself.

This began at the gallery when your father and mother first stated that money would be needed, and very shortly after your return from Florida. Ruburt was outraged that having treated you the way they had, they would so humiliate themselves as to beg for your aid, and instead decided that basically they did not feel humiliated but were asking what they considered their just due.

When you were ill and not working part of Ruburt’s money went to them, and he was ashamed at resenting this, and furious at you that you would allow them to do this to him. He was sure that if the circumstances were reversed he would never bleed you to help his parents.

He is fiercely protective of you, and regardless of his feelings about families, you see, had he felt that your parents dealt kindly with you he would have gone along with them all the way. He felt that they betrayed you.

Now give us time…. He felt that any success of his that was not matched by you pulled you down in your parents’ eyes, and was therefore part victory and part defeat. He did fear that you would become bitter if you did not succeed (as a painter), and he sometimes felt that you retreated to the studio away from him, as purposely your father retreated from your mother into the cellar or garage. He would rather have burned anything that you have rather than store it in your family’s house. Symbolically this threatened him. He mentioned it on several occasions, but you made a reasonable reply having to do with convenience, and so he brooded.

(Actually, I first began moving things to Sayre because we thought we would be moving from Elmira. I wanted as little surplus material here as possible, thinking it would be easier to take our time moving items from Sayre to the new location, wherever it might be.

When you were quiet at times, this reminded him of your father’s uncommunicative manner, and frightened him. If he reacted emotionally, this frightened him, because he was afraid you would interpret it as your mother’s reaction. He is furious that he is in such poor physical condition in front of her. He thinks that you were taken in by her for years. These sound like rather harmless attitudes, or normal enough.

Now. Since your reaction when Rebellers was published, he feared that you would grow to hate him for any success, if you did not succeed, since his success he felt was largely at your expense—you bought him the time in which to work.

You would find something to be angry at, he felt, so he tried to succeed and not succeed. The answers given by your pendulum also apply to my book, and to some (underlined) of our missed sessions in general. While you vigorously upheld the sessions, he still felt that to some extent, again, their success would undermine you.

He was also from the beginning afraid of the time it took you away from your work to record them, and felt that you must resent this. If he thought you looked tired, or at all reproachful or worried or bothered on a session night, he would feel that you did not really want to have a session. But he would cover this up, and if you were not out there with your notebook, he took this as a sign that you really did not want a session. (Long pause.)

He fears that you would find any real success of his highly distasteful. He fears that he might go hogwild with it. There is a connection here I have not quite discovered, in what I am about to say.

Clear emotional communication on your part will be most valuable here. On several occasions on your tour there was a name confusion, and this upset him for fear you would be hurt and put down. Do you follow me?

Often he did not feel your support. I am not saying you did not support him. Remember also that he exaggerated his fears, and felt that they would serve to drive you from him. Reading his book is a great help. He felt you did not have any deep interest in it, and that symbolically you were rejecting it.

Now. He felt that the trappings of success might be a real threat to your working time, and therefore to your ultimate success—that you would resent this beforehand, rather than, say, discuss it and so forth. That you would resent the lack of privacy involved, and blame him for it.