“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(We returned home on Monday after a heavy snowstorm in Pennsylvania, and I did not return to work until Thursday. This session is prefaced with my notes of two pendulum sessions I held with myself. The first on Tuesday, February 9 concerns my shaky hand and my father. The second on the morning of Wednesday, February 10 concerns Jane’s condition and my part in it, etc. It was very productive. Suffice it to say here that Jane’s own pendulum agreed with it in toto, and we spent a good deal of time discussing it. By suppertime Jane was getting some strong emotional reactions to parts of it. [Loren, incidentally, is my younger brother.]

(This we did not know.) It was at the time of your illness that he began to conceal his feelings from you, and in a sense to coddle you. His overanxious behavior, its roots, have been given in other sessions. You follow me here.

He tried to use suggestion as a bandage. As I mentioned at one time, he literally felt divorced from you emotionally, because he was divorced from the emotional nature of his own being.

He has great energy, and was able to withstand this self-assault for some time before actual physical symptoms showed. Even then his physical system has been amazingly resilient.

For some time, subjectively, he was in a highly ambiguous position. He felt he could expect no comfort from you, that he must face both your fears and his alone. Superstitiously he felt that in hiding fears about your parents he hid them for you both—shoved them under the psychological rug; but the rug became heavier and heavier.

The neighborhood squabbles there remind him of Middle Avenue. He feels as if his mother is getting your mother to do her dirty work for her, and when your mother said to him “You are a phony,” it was also his own mother for the thousandth time putting him down.

Now give us time…. He felt that any success of his that was not matched by you pulled you down in your parents’ eyes, and was therefore part victory and part defeat. He did fear that you would become bitter if you did not succeed (as a painter), and he sometimes felt that you retreated to the studio away from him, as purposely your father retreated from your mother into the cellar or garage. He would rather have burned anything that you have rather than store it in your family’s house. Symbolically this threatened him. He mentioned it on several occasions, but you made a reasonable reply having to do with convenience, and so he brooded.

(Actually, I first began moving things to Sayre because we thought we would be moving from Elmira. I wanted as little surplus material here as possible, thinking it would be easier to take our time moving items from Sayre to the new location, wherever it might be.

When you were quiet at times, this reminded him of your father’s uncommunicative manner, and frightened him. If he reacted emotionally, this frightened him, because he was afraid you would interpret it as your mother’s reaction. He is furious that he is in such poor physical condition in front of her. He thinks that you were taken in by her for years. These sound like rather harmless attitudes, or normal enough.

It is only because they have been unacknowledged so many times and consciously repudiated, that they have done such harm. The protective layers were built up so strongly, and became such a part of the personality structure, that I could not bring them all toppling down from the inside.

Now. Since your reaction when Rebellers was published, he feared that you would grow to hate him for any success, if you did not succeed, since his success he felt was largely at your expense—you bought him the time in which to work.

He was also from the beginning afraid of the time it took you away from your work to record them, and felt that you must resent this. If he thought you looked tired, or at all reproachful or worried or bothered on a session night, he would feel that you did not really want to have a session. But he would cover this up, and if you were not out there with your notebook, he took this as a sign that you really did not want a session. (Long pause.)

At the same time he projected his fears upon you, thinking that you loved him only because he was a writer. Then why were you not pleased with his success, you see?

(9:50. I was appalled, and I suppose that from my own actions Jane was too. For the moment at least I felt terribly discouraged. While Jane left the room for a brief time, I asked my pendulum a question, and received this answer: “I don’t think Jane wants to get well.” The question had occurred to me during last night, I believe, but I had forgotten it until now.

When Rebellers was published he felt (underlined) that you were coldly angry at him. This after the series of events mentioned earlier. He has been slowing down to give you time to catch up.

(At the time Rebellers was published, I was jealous, but it took me some time to learn this. I made the breakthrough finally with a series of questions directed to my pendulum, as I had done this morning concerning Jane’s knee troubles. In fact, it was the memory of the success of that episode that led me to this morning’s session.)

(10:16. I was really upset by this time in the session. There were so many things I wanted to say that I believe I ended up silent because points got in each other’s way, etc. I did voice some thoughts that I’ve mentioned before: about why, in times of great stress when it’s obvious the organism is in trouble, it doesn’t intuitively override wrong thinking and set itself right so that it can go on about the business of life, etc. Resume at 10:28.)

Now. He felt that the trappings of success might be a real threat to your working time, and therefore to your ultimate success—that you would resent this beforehand, rather than, say, discuss it and so forth. That you would resent the lack of privacy involved, and blame him for it.

He was not emotionally aware of this. The fear projections, repressed, telepathically attract like projections, and inhibit other ones. He had tuned himself toward fears, and these are what he picked up most frequently. You did not until recently make a practice of communicating feelings to each other on any consistent basis. This alone makes your changed attitudes clear. He does need encouragement now. The remark “You are doing this to yourself” is interpreted by him as an accusation. The more pliant bodily response in your intimate affairs shows that he is trusting you again as he had not done for some time to that degree.