“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Your pendulum data was indeed correct. Also the remark Ruburt made just before the session: he does blame your mother for your illness of several years back, and also for his own.

(This we did not know.) It was at the time of your illness that he began to conceal his feelings from you, and in a sense to coddle you. His overanxious behavior, its roots, have been given in other sessions. You follow me here.

He then reverted to the alternate pattern of behavior he learned early (in childhood) as a defense mechanism, withholding his feelings from his own conscious knowledge as well as hiding them from you. If he were aware of them and did not share them he would feel disloyal, so if her were not to burden you with them he also had to hide them from himself.

He tried to use suggestion as a bandage. As I mentioned at one time, he literally felt divorced from you emotionally, because he was divorced from the emotional nature of his own being.

He has great energy, and was able to withstand this self-assault for some time before actual physical symptoms showed. Even then his physical system has been amazingly resilient.

For some time, subjectively, he was in a highly ambiguous position. He felt he could expect no comfort from you, that he must face both your fears and his alone. Superstitiously he felt that in hiding fears about your parents he hid them for you both—shoved them under the psychological rug; but the rug became heavier and heavier.

When you were ill and not working part of Ruburt’s money went to them, and he was ashamed at resenting this, and furious at you that you would allow them to do this to him. He was sure that if the circumstances were reversed he would never bleed you to help his parents.

Now we are dealing with his attitudes and feelings. I am leaving my comments out here, you understand. He wanted a car when you did not have one, but was furious that you got one in order to visit your parents—not to escape from them.

The neighborhood squabbles there remind him of Middle Avenue. He feels as if his mother is getting your mother to do her dirty work for her, and when your mother said to him “You are a phony,” it was also his own mother for the thousandth time putting him down.

He feels trapped in this apartment, that he is here because he is readily accessible to help your mother, as when he was a child he was readily accessible to help his own mother. He has a strong, affectionate, open nature that was dealt some harm. (Long pause at 9:18.)

He is fiercely protective of you, and regardless of his feelings about families, you see, had he felt that your parents dealt kindly with you he would have gone along with them all the way. He felt that they betrayed you.

Now give us time…. He felt that any success of his that was not matched by you pulled you down in your parents’ eyes, and was therefore part victory and part defeat. He did fear that you would become bitter if you did not succeed (as a painter), and he sometimes felt that you retreated to the studio away from him, as purposely your father retreated from your mother into the cellar or garage. He would rather have burned anything that you have rather than store it in your family’s house. Symbolically this threatened him. He mentioned it on several occasions, but you made a reasonable reply having to do with convenience, and so he brooded.

The symptoms built up as he clamped down on his feelings. Make sure you emphasize that the release of these will also bring about the release of joy and inspiration and energy that has been blocked through repression. Take your break.

Now. Since your reaction when Rebellers was published, he feared that you would grow to hate him for any success, if you did not succeed, since his success he felt was largely at your expense—you bought him the time in which to work.

If he succeeded he might lose your love, in other words. He closely watched your reaction after that. On a few occasions he found it negative early in the game, but any criticism later of his relationship with publishers was taken to be a symbol of an anger with him because of his books, period.

At the same time he projected his fears upon you, thinking that you loved him only because he was a writer. Then why were you not pleased with his success, you see?

He fears that you would find any real success of his highly distasteful. He fears that he might go hogwild with it. There is a connection here I have not quite discovered, in what I am about to say.

The fact that you did not discuss plans together helped prolong his distorted ideas, you see. There was little counterbalance, and this is being remedied.

Often he did not feel your support. I am not saying you did not support him. Remember also that he exaggerated his fears, and felt that they would serve to drive you from him. Reading his book is a great help. He felt you did not have any deep interest in it, and that symbolically you were rejecting it.

Now he picked up many of these reactions, again, from you when you were ill. You also inhibited your feelings, cut yourself off from Ruburt, retreated, and were negatively motivated. In a manner of speaking he is working out problems for both of you. You have learned through his behavior, and saved yourself some other steps, for example.