“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Your pendulum data was indeed correct. Also the remark Ruburt made just before the session: he does blame your mother for your illness of several years back, and also for his own.

(This we did not know.) It was at the time of your illness that he began to conceal his feelings from you, and in a sense to coddle you. His overanxious behavior, its roots, have been given in other sessions. You follow me here.

He then reverted to the alternate pattern of behavior he learned early (in childhood) as a defense mechanism, withholding his feelings from his own conscious knowledge as well as hiding them from you. If he were aware of them and did not share them he would feel disloyal, so if her were not to burden you with them he also had to hide them from himself.

In the past such behavior had led to an increased frenzied activity, mildly but not inordinately erratic. Such erratic behavior however he now felt out of the question, and the built-up energy from the repressed feelings had nowhere to go. He clamped down upon himself then more and more, fearing the built-up charge of repressions.

He tried to use suggestion as a bandage. As I mentioned at one time, he literally felt divorced from you emotionally, because he was divorced from the emotional nature of his own being.

He has great energy, and was able to withstand this self-assault for some time before actual physical symptoms showed. Even then his physical system has been amazingly resilient.

For some time, subjectively, he was in a highly ambiguous position. He felt he could expect no comfort from you, that he must face both your fears and his alone. Superstitiously he felt that in hiding fears about your parents he hid them for you both—shoved them under the psychological rug; but the rug became heavier and heavier.

When you were ill and not working part of Ruburt’s money went to them, and he was ashamed at resenting this, and furious at you that you would allow them to do this to him. He was sure that if the circumstances were reversed he would never bleed you to help his parents.

Now we are dealing with his attitudes and feelings. I am leaving my comments out here, you understand. He wanted a car when you did not have one, but was furious that you got one in order to visit your parents—not to escape from them.

The neighborhood squabbles there remind him of Middle Avenue. He feels as if his mother is getting your mother to do her dirty work for her, and when your mother said to him “You are a phony,” it was also his own mother for the thousandth time putting him down.

He feels trapped in this apartment, that he is here because he is readily accessible to help your mother, as when he was a child he was readily accessible to help his own mother. He has a strong, affectionate, open nature that was dealt some harm. (Long pause at 9:18.)

He is fiercely protective of you, and regardless of his feelings about families, you see, had he felt that your parents dealt kindly with you he would have gone along with them all the way. He felt that they betrayed you.

Now give us time…. He felt that any success of his that was not matched by you pulled you down in your parents’ eyes, and was therefore part victory and part defeat. He did fear that you would become bitter if you did not succeed (as a painter), and he sometimes felt that you retreated to the studio away from him, as purposely your father retreated from your mother into the cellar or garage. He would rather have burned anything that you have rather than store it in your family’s house. Symbolically this threatened him. He mentioned it on several occasions, but you made a reasonable reply having to do with convenience, and so he brooded.

When you were quiet at times, this reminded him of your father’s uncommunicative manner, and frightened him. If he reacted emotionally, this frightened him, because he was afraid you would interpret it as your mother’s reaction. He is furious that he is in such poor physical condition in front of her. He thinks that you were taken in by her for years. These sound like rather harmless attitudes, or normal enough.

The symptoms built up as he clamped down on his feelings. Make sure you emphasize that the release of these will also bring about the release of joy and inspiration and energy that has been blocked through repression. Take your break.

Now. Since your reaction when Rebellers was published, he feared that you would grow to hate him for any success, if you did not succeed, since his success he felt was largely at your expense—you bought him the time in which to work.

If he succeeded he might lose your love, in other words. He closely watched your reaction after that. On a few occasions he found it negative early in the game, but any criticism later of his relationship with publishers was taken to be a symbol of an anger with him because of his books, period.

You would find something to be angry at, he felt, so he tried to succeed and not succeed. The answers given by your pendulum also apply to my book, and to some (underlined) of our missed sessions in general. While you vigorously upheld the sessions, he still felt that to some extent, again, their success would undermine you.

He was also from the beginning afraid of the time it took you away from your work to record them, and felt that you must resent this. If he thought you looked tired, or at all reproachful or worried or bothered on a session night, he would feel that you did not really want to have a session. But he would cover this up, and if you were not out there with your notebook, he took this as a sign that you really did not want a session. (Long pause.)

At the same time he projected his fears upon you, thinking that you loved him only because he was a writer. Then why were you not pleased with his success, you see?

Now. Ruburt wants to get as well as he thinks he can afford to.

When Rebellers was published he felt (underlined) that you were coldly angry at him. This after the series of events mentioned earlier. He has been slowing down to give you time to catch up.

He fears that you would find any real success of his highly distasteful. He fears that he might go hogwild with it. There is a connection here I have not quite discovered, in what I am about to say.

Walt turned him over to you only too gladly. He is afraid that if you launch him into success you may then leave him, wanting none of it.

Releasing fears will allow new inspiration and optimism to emerge, to battle against any lingering negative aspects however. He cannot have too many assurances from you, he is so thirsty for them.

When you did not speak of your work much he interpreted this to mean deep worry and concern on your part about it.

Often he did not feel your support. I am not saying you did not support him. Remember also that he exaggerated his fears, and felt that they would serve to drive you from him. Reading his book is a great help. He felt you did not have any deep interest in it, and that symbolically you were rejecting it.

Now. He felt that the trappings of success might be a real threat to your working time, and therefore to your ultimate success—that you would resent this beforehand, rather than, say, discuss it and so forth. That you would resent the lack of privacy involved, and blame him for it.

It is indeed. Now many of your own attitudes have changed by now, but initially he used some of your past attitudes as a basis, not realizing that you had changed them. There was some fact then. However he exaggerated it—but the facts have changed.

(“Then why hasn’t he changed?”

He was not aware that your attitude had changed as much as it has.

He was not emotionally aware of this. The fear projections, repressed, telepathically attract like projections, and inhibit other ones. He had tuned himself toward fears, and these are what he picked up most frequently. You did not until recently make a practice of communicating feelings to each other on any consistent basis. This alone makes your changed attitudes clear. He does need encouragement now. The remark “You are doing this to yourself” is interpreted by him as an accusation. The more pliant bodily response in your intimate affairs shows that he is trusting you again as he had not done for some time to that degree.

Now he picked up many of these reactions, again, from you when you were ill. You also inhibited your feelings, cut yourself off from Ruburt, retreated, and were negatively motivated. In a manner of speaking he is working out problems for both of you. You have learned through his behavior, and saved yourself some other steps, for example.