“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

In the past such behavior had led to an increased frenzied activity, mildly but not inordinately erratic. Such erratic behavior however he now felt out of the question, and the built-up energy from the repressed feelings had nowhere to go. He clamped down upon himself then more and more, fearing the built-up charge of repressions.

He tried to use suggestion as a bandage. As I mentioned at one time, he literally felt divorced from you emotionally, because he was divorced from the emotional nature of his own being.

For some time, subjectively, he was in a highly ambiguous position. He felt he could expect no comfort from you, that he must face both your fears and his alone. Superstitiously he felt that in hiding fears about your parents he hid them for you both—shoved them under the psychological rug; but the rug became heavier and heavier.

He is fiercely protective of you, and regardless of his feelings about families, you see, had he felt that your parents dealt kindly with you he would have gone along with them all the way. He felt that they betrayed you.

Now give us time…. He felt that any success of his that was not matched by you pulled you down in your parents’ eyes, and was therefore part victory and part defeat. He did fear that you would become bitter if you did not succeed (as a painter), and he sometimes felt that you retreated to the studio away from him, as purposely your father retreated from your mother into the cellar or garage. He would rather have burned anything that you have rather than store it in your family’s house. Symbolically this threatened him. He mentioned it on several occasions, but you made a reasonable reply having to do with convenience, and so he brooded.

Now. Since your reaction when Rebellers was published, he feared that you would grow to hate him for any success, if you did not succeed, since his success he felt was largely at your expense—you bought him the time in which to work.

You would find something to be angry at, he felt, so he tried to succeed and not succeed. The answers given by your pendulum also apply to my book, and to some (underlined) of our missed sessions in general. While you vigorously upheld the sessions, he still felt that to some extent, again, their success would undermine you.

He was also from the beginning afraid of the time it took you away from your work to record them, and felt that you must resent this. If he thought you looked tired, or at all reproachful or worried or bothered on a session night, he would feel that you did not really want to have a session. But he would cover this up, and if you were not out there with your notebook, he took this as a sign that you really did not want a session. (Long pause.)

(9:50. I was appalled, and I suppose that from my own actions Jane was too. For the moment at least I felt terribly discouraged. While Jane left the room for a brief time, I asked my pendulum a question, and received this answer: “I don’t think Jane wants to get well.” The question had occurred to me during last night, I believe, but I had forgotten it until now.

When Rebellers was published he felt (underlined) that you were coldly angry at him. This after the series of events mentioned earlier. He has been slowing down to give you time to catch up.

Often he did not feel your support. I am not saying you did not support him. Remember also that he exaggerated his fears, and felt that they would serve to drive you from him. Reading his book is a great help. He felt you did not have any deep interest in it, and that symbolically you were rejecting it.

Now. He felt that the trappings of success might be a real threat to your working time, and therefore to your ultimate success—that you would resent this beforehand, rather than, say, discuss it and so forth. That you would resent the lack of privacy involved, and blame him for it.

(10:50. Truly, I felt appalled, almost overwhelmed. Many feelings came in rapid succession. Typing this up two days later, I note that the material is indeed charged as the feelings return to some degree. We’ve already discussed them to some extent, and believe we are making progress, etc.)