“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

In the past such behavior had led to an increased frenzied activity, mildly but not inordinately erratic. Such erratic behavior however he now felt out of the question, and the built-up energy from the repressed feelings had nowhere to go. He clamped down upon himself then more and more, fearing the built-up charge of repressions.

For some time, subjectively, he was in a highly ambiguous position. He felt he could expect no comfort from you, that he must face both your fears and his alone. Superstitiously he felt that in hiding fears about your parents he hid them for you both—shoved them under the psychological rug; but the rug became heavier and heavier.

This began at the gallery when your father and mother first stated that money would be needed, and very shortly after your return from Florida. Ruburt was outraged that having treated you the way they had, they would so humiliate themselves as to beg for your aid, and instead decided that basically they did not feel humiliated but were asking what they considered their just due.

Now we are dealing with his attitudes and feelings. I am leaving my comments out here, you understand. He wanted a car when you did not have one, but was furious that you got one in order to visit your parents—not to escape from them.

Now give us time…. He felt that any success of his that was not matched by you pulled you down in your parents’ eyes, and was therefore part victory and part defeat. He did fear that you would become bitter if you did not succeed (as a painter), and he sometimes felt that you retreated to the studio away from him, as purposely your father retreated from your mother into the cellar or garage. He would rather have burned anything that you have rather than store it in your family’s house. Symbolically this threatened him. He mentioned it on several occasions, but you made a reasonable reply having to do with convenience, and so he brooded.

If he succeeded he might lose your love, in other words. He closely watched your reaction after that. On a few occasions he found it negative early in the game, but any criticism later of his relationship with publishers was taken to be a symbol of an anger with him because of his books, period.

He was also from the beginning afraid of the time it took you away from your work to record them, and felt that you must resent this. If he thought you looked tired, or at all reproachful or worried or bothered on a session night, he would feel that you did not really want to have a session. But he would cover this up, and if you were not out there with your notebook, he took this as a sign that you really did not want a session. (Long pause.)

I meant to give you a longer break, but delivered this while I had good hold of it.

(9:50. I was appalled, and I suppose that from my own actions Jane was too. For the moment at least I felt terribly discouraged. While Jane left the room for a brief time, I asked my pendulum a question, and received this answer: “I don’t think Jane wants to get well.” The question had occurred to me during last night, I believe, but I had forgotten it until now.

(At the time Rebellers was published, I was jealous, but it took me some time to learn this. I made the breakthrough finally with a series of questions directed to my pendulum, as I had done this morning concerning Jane’s knee troubles. In fact, it was the memory of the success of that episode that led me to this morning’s session.)

It is indeed. Now many of your own attitudes have changed by now, but initially he used some of your past attitudes as a basis, not realizing that you had changed them. There was some fact then. However he exaggerated it—but the facts have changed.

The fears, written down, are encouraging. You confront them and they appall you. But they are far more appalling hidden.