“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

Even with Ruburt’s difficulties as a personality he now makes more use, though he does not realize it, of his creative energies than he ever did. To a large extent you realize this, and it makes you more anxious for your own work and endeavors.

You are on the edge of a discovery in your own work, and it makes you uneasy, for you sense it, yet have not grasped it. This also had something to do with this evening’s reaction. Neither of you fully realize as yet the nature of the energies that are working with you, that give you meaning as individuals, hold you together, and form the framework of your daily existence, the balance of spontaneity and regularity.

You burn and use energy at a different rate. He consumes it more quickly than even you realize. You consider such diversions therefore to some extent a waste of time, for they are not as necessary to you, though to some extent of course they are.

Your family in this life has always been determined upon longevity, and you pace your energy. Ruburt has not. The ways are simply different. Now your father paced himself unwisely. You are not making the same mistake. In many ways your mother was also wiser. Although your reactions at times may be different, and although you may not agree with me, still Ruburt will rarely be unrealistic in understanding or in utilizing methods that are highly practical, though neither of you may understand them as such.

His struggles with his nurses (which are violent) are struggles to escape physical bonds, and to be away. He did not use his vitality in his manhood joyfully or fully or explosively, either in work, nor purpose, nor family. Therefore it lingers, and he cannot disentangle himself from it. He paced himself out of jealousy of his energy, so that it outlived him. It was not focused in work. It was unfocused.

He was jealous of all (underlined) of his sons, not because your mother seemed to prefer them, but because he saw his own energy and life force giving independence in ways he could not control. He knows better now, but he is still left with the dilemma of freeing himself completely, and beginning again.