“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(These notes concern an incident that happened Friday evening, September 23,1966. A neighbor, Barbara Ingold, came up Friday about 7: with a shaker of stingers, one for Rob, Barb and myself. Rob was working. Barb and I drank our stingers and divided Rob’s. She talked about her past; suicide attempts, miscarriages, operations; very emotionally charged. I gave myself the suggestion that I would only react to constructive suggestions, to offset her emotional attitude. When she arrived, I was annoyed. We were going to have company; the dishes were to be done; I wanted to change clothes, etc. Mellowed by the drinks, I figured she might as well stay. She insisted on doing the dishes for me; she wants to buy friendship basically or make sure she is needed or some such.

(I had no idea, consciously, that I could go into such a deep trance or for that matter, give such precise information. Certainly the drinks must have lowered my defenses, though I wasn’t tight. Certainly cold sober though I would not have allowed myself to behave in this manner. The experience is a valuable one though. I was quite frightened all in all. At the same time somewhat surprised; didn’t realize my abilities were that good or that I could get such specific data. Wouldn’t go through that very damn often though; data or no data. The question arises: Would such experiences bring their own discipline and protection? Was it so vivid and frightening because it was my first experience? Or because in such circumstances the emotions will always be picked up so vividly? Certainly if the Seth sessions had involved this sort of thing—particularly in the beginning—I am pretty sure we wouldn’t have continued them. At least I don’t believe we would have.

(I don’t believe the performance would have taken place either if I didn’t feel basically protected—with Rob of course; and also knowing I would trust the Gallaghers implicitly. At the end I was inside an emotion; I didn’t feel “possessed” by Barb for instance or taken over by another; but I did feel and was immersed in an emotion not my own, and a very unpleasant frightening one for which I wasn’t prepared—again, at least consciously.

(At the last I was frightened enough to yell for help when I got the chance; and Rob came to my assistance. Perhaps—most certainly in fact—the thing would just have ended itself but the emotional situation could have gotten worse first; if I was reliving an emotional state I could have gone through the whole thing, granted there was more to it. [Just now, writing this, when I was on the floor sobbing, I did feel that I was on a bed, crying.]

(The next day I began my monthly period, a few days early but not at all unusually early. This leads me to think that during ovulation and just before my period particular caution could be used. It is very possible however that this sort of thing would only happen infrequently in any case. The control must be in our conscious hands, however; regardless.

(It is important to remember that as far as I know—the first part containing the valid information—was not particularly emotional—nor unpleasant—except for the “normal” mechanics of the trance it was not a display. Had it stopped here I don’t believe Rob or I would have been nearly as upset as we were after the last episode was over.

(Again, I’m curious as to whether or not the added emotional factor at the end added anything to the specific information given. If not, then little good can be said of it. Of course it would still be possible that additional information might have been given if the condition had been allowed to continue.

(Unfortunately it was a display; at least this is our way of looking at it and certainly our way of looking at it must be the most important one and our attitudes must guide our actions; no one else’s attitudes. The information in the first part was excellent, to my way of seeing it; but it was gained at the cost of this…. exhibition. And in order to use the ability it must be disciplined; it could hardly be allowed to run wild. It probably wouldn’t in any case; certainly mediums who charge for readings and hold regular ones daily, don’t go through that all the time. On the other hand the strength of the ability also determines the amount of discipline to be used; it has to. You can’t clam up so tight in fear that you don’t give yourself the opportunity to use or develop the ability surely; but you don’t use it indiscriminately either. The way it was used the other night does frighten me to some degree surely. I’d even go so far as to say that an overly disciplined attitude would lead to a fairly decent and balanced frame of mind. A permissive attitude would make me more frightened. Looking back, I see that the situation actually was strictly supervised; if not I do not think I would have done anything. But the fact is: I am not sure.

(I recall telling Barb she would make another? or other? attempts on her life, but would die in her early eighties of [pneumonia?]. Maybe I said in Greenwich, Connecticut. Something about another man also that I don’t recall. This is all I remember. I did not remember the Greenwich data or the other points that did check out; I only know of them because we talked about them before the second trance started.

(I do not know if our attitude toward this type of thing is too rigid; that is, if it would seem so to others; the Gallaghers, for instance. I say that I don’t want people to “expect that sort of thing when they come here” and when I think about it I do consider it as somehow unpleasant or exhibitionistic. Of course there must be exhibitionistic tendencies, perfectly all right, in order for any quite legitimate thing like this to happen; yet somehow you still distrust it. Rob I think actively dislikes it. I am afraid of it to some degree. Certainly on occasion I think it would be perfectly okay with Gallaghers, for instance, to try to see what I could pick up. But then, when I think of it, I’m afraid to let go for fear of being wrong; or of making some sort of display with no legitimate information being given. This doesn’t help. The other night the whole thing happened so fast that I didn’t even think of such things. It is highly possible that the emotional part—and perhaps even what we think of as the display— are necessary in some cases—or are of great help. But the other night was just too much, the second episode, even considering these points, as far as I am concerned. Had it ended after the first episode, it might have been okay, or at least less upsetting. Recall; it is only the first less emotional part that yielded the precise information as far as I know. I do think that when we get the notes, I should just have Barb write out yes or no to the points given; very professional and purposely unemotional but I do want to know if that emotional bit added anything data-wise or not.

(Did the fact that some of the first information check out then encourage me to continue? Most likely. If it had been all wrong I would have been too embarrassed; and felt like an idiot I suppose—though again this is not the right attitude either—too far in the other direction.

(It must be emphasized that I did not know consciously that such an affair could even happen. I didn’t know my abilities were that good, to tell the truth; and had no idea that there was any danger of acting as a medium without Seth. I used to worry that if Seth gave wrong data this would reflect on the legitimate nature of that personality. This time Seth was not present. Did this give me added freedom?