“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(When Bill and Peg Gallagher arrived, about nine, I drank two cups of strong coffee, rather than the wine that everyone else drank; so it must have been 10:30 or so before I had a glass of wine. Conversation was led by Barb, again, to her own life and so forth. The evening wore on. Somewhere in here I felt that I could have a Seth session regarding Barb. I said this softly to Rob and once to Peg; who knows about the sessions, of course. Barb knows hardly anything, though I think she knows about Seth in a general way. Rob shook his head and I didn’t particularly want to get involved anyway so I said no mentally. After a short while I no longer felt that Seth was around. A poor move. Barb heard me. Bill, it turns out, did not.

(I don’t believe the performance would have taken place either if I didn’t feel basically protected—with Rob of course; and also knowing I would trust the Gallaghers implicitly. At the end I was inside an emotion; I didn’t feel “possessed” by Barb for instance or taken over by another; but I did feel and was immersed in an emotion not my own, and a very unpleasant frightening one for which I wasn’t prepared—again, at least consciously.

(Another point: Barb must be highly neurotic, attempting suicide by her own count, four times. She was sort of flirting with Rob earlier; told us to her he represented the ideal man type and emphasized his “sternness.” I wasn’t angry with her or anything at all, but somewhat embarrassed for her in front of Gallaghers; but I wasn’t particularly amused either. I even wondered later if this had something to do with what happened; though not sure of the connection. Pretty far-out but perhaps in some way it added to the whole thing.

(I do not know if our attitude toward this type of thing is too rigid; that is, if it would seem so to others; the Gallaghers, for instance. I say that I don’t want people to “expect that sort of thing when they come here” and when I think about it I do consider it as somehow unpleasant or exhibitionistic. Of course there must be exhibitionistic tendencies, perfectly all right, in order for any quite legitimate thing like this to happen; yet somehow you still distrust it. Rob I think actively dislikes it. I am afraid of it to some degree. Certainly on occasion I think it would be perfectly okay with Gallaghers, for instance, to try to see what I could pick up. But then, when I think of it, I’m afraid to let go for fear of being wrong; or of making some sort of display with no legitimate information being given. This doesn’t help. The other night the whole thing happened so fast that I didn’t even think of such things. It is highly possible that the emotional part—and perhaps even what we think of as the display— are necessary in some cases—or are of great help. But the other night was just too much, the second episode, even considering these points, as far as I am concerned. Had it ended after the first episode, it might have been okay, or at least less upsetting. Recall; it is only the first less emotional part that yielded the precise information as far as I know. I do think that when we get the notes, I should just have Barb write out yes or no to the points given; very professional and purposely unemotional but I do want to know if that emotional bit added anything data-wise or not.

(On some occasions with Gallaghers I tried on my own and was conscious of an annoying restraint on my part; I was afraid of making a fool of myself. One time in particular I recall when I gave some data about Bill’s ….(grandmother?) sitting around a table; seance style. This time of course all the lights were on.